December 29, 2001 | 11:30 AM

I feel strange and sad today. I am going back to Boston tomorrow. Why am I ambivilent about everything that I do? Everything that happens?

Soon the numbers on the calender will change. 2002. Jesus fucking Christ.

I hope that things are resolved this year. I hope that I cement a foundation for the life that I want. I have this feeling that this will be the year for a lot of decisions. 2001 was as well, but I have a sense that 2002 will be the "close a door open a window" year, if that makes any sense.

I'm taking Introduction to Metaphysics at Harvard and I have a three hour yoga class once a week, as well as lifting at the gym every other day. These activities should keep me from straying towards my worst intentions.

I also really hope the best for John this coming year. I wish for him to realize his own worth and to find happiness and the courage to challenge himself in all ways. He is so smart and funny and lovely as a human being, and I just hope he doesn't let the sun set on his potential. I have faith in him, but for me this upcoming year feels really pivotal... we'll see what happens. I am trying to give him as much space as possible to make his own choices, and I remind myself that he is his own person and I am my own person, and if at some time I look around and feel that we aren't on the same page and aren't going to be, I can leave.

So I'm being supportive and non-controlling, and I'm checking in with myself to see how I feel about everything. And we'll just have to see what happens.

Sometimes it's better to just let things unfold int their own way.

I'm going to be 25 in March.

Jesus.