December 29, 2001 | 11:09 PM

Because all the stories are going to fade before I get a chance to write about them, here's the sports highlights of what happened during my 10 day Christmas visit with the family in Rochester NY.

* My mom got me a gift certificate for a full body massage as an x-mas present. It was the most relaxing hour I have ever passed. I wish I could have one every day.

* My brother and I made a scene in the JC Pennys lingere department by loudly exclaiming that all the bras there were for flatties ("Oh we're entering the great plains" "I didn't know there was a letter before A", and so on.)

[gee-- I just read that over and it sounds awfully creepy, but I guess you had to be there; we were bra shopping with my 18 year old sister-- it's not like we just hang out in the JC Penney bra dept. looking for an excuse to offend innocent shoppers]

* Large scale family fight over whether or not we should watch Brigette Jones' Diary. (No-- I'm not kidding. There was actually a massive war over this with hurt feelings on all sides)

* Saw A Beautiful Mind with Mom, Dave, and Beth. That's now one of my 10 favorite movies of all time. I am sure I will write a full entry on it at some point.

* Also saw Lord of the Rings, Oceans 11, and Shrek. All good films.

* Drank many glasses of chardonay.

* My mother loves to entertain, so there were numerous dinners. I think I cooked/baked more in the past week than I have all year.

* Spent lots of time with my 9 year old sister.

* Went out of my way to make my Mom happy. Succeeded mostly. We had a lot of fun. I really love talking to her and hanging out with her. Of course there were a couple of times where I was like, "Oh yeah-- this is why I don't live in this city-- so I don't have to deal with this shit", but other than that we had a really good time. I love her a lot. Nobody's perfect, and again, I would much rather have my wacky mom than some boring Suzy Homemaker any day, so you know-- everything's a trade off.

* Spent time with my God Mother, Jane. Enjoyed that a lot.

* Spoke extensively on the phone with my Uncle Fred (my dad's brother) who lives in England and is a professor at Leeds College, and also spoke with his daughter, my cousin Erica who is a barrister in London. Both of them asked me to visit, which I would love to do. At some point I want to go on a massive Europe trip. I've never gotten to do that. I got kicked out of college before I could spend the semester abroad (I'd been helping John write his papers instead of writing mine-- fool that I am, so of course he squeeked through and I flunked. He got to go to Europe and "find himself" and I got to have an abortion. Yes I know-- I am a retard.) I want to wander around there for a couple of months before I really settle down and have kids and what not.

* I ate really poorly the whole vacation and have probably gained 10 lbs. I had a pair of jeans that fit just fine before I left and now they won't even zipper. If I so much as even look at a twinkie I gain an inch around my hips. I know this sounds like a stupid house frau thing to bitch about, but it's awfully discouraging. Well, I start yoga soon, and I will be back at the gym tomorrow so the damage can be repaired. 'Sucks though.

So.... that's all the news that's fit to print. Tomorrow I endure the 10 hour bus ride back to Boston. Hopefully I will be able to sleep through most of it.

On New Years Eve John and I are off to Salem. I hope that we will have a fun romantic time sans psychodrama or hassle. I will have good stories I'm sure.