2001-12-06 | 10:06 a.m.

I know that my boyfriend doesn't really love me. I know that he probably never really loved me. I don't even think he knows me much less loves me. All of this is finally hitting me. I wish I could just get my own place right now. I don't really feel like seeing him at all. I am so angry at myself for having put up with his shit for so long. Having begged, pleaded, given ultimatums etc. was stupid stupid STUPID. I was looking to him for some sense of self, to fill in the parts of me I thought were weak. But you know what? I can stand on my own and he's just dragging me down. I feel so god damned drained around him. I think he really is at heart a good person, but the way he is behaving right now is very similar to how I behaved when I was 19-- really selfish, irresponsible, seeing love as a one way street, taking as much as you can from everyone around you because you feel you just can't hack it on your own. It's like being with a vampire.

I really didn't want to face this but here it is. What in God's name do I do with this information.