2001-12-05 | 3:25 p.m.

I'm beginning to feel a tad apprehensive as the X-mas party for the stupid company is tomorrow and at the request of my boyfriend, I will be attending. Excuse me while I toss my cookies.

The whole thing is kind of ridiculous. I feel this need to go and work out for like 5 hours tonight, wake up at the crack of dawn and get all prettied up, and rehearse exactly what I am going to say about my fabulous job how together I am blah blah blah...I feel the need to project (as the Real Estate King in American Beauty says) an image of success. The ironic thing about this need is that the people who will be attending this shin-dig fall into one of the following camps:

* They are my friends and thus would love me whether I was the President of the United States or living in cardboard box, thus making my projection of success totally unnecessary

* They could care less whether I am alive or dead and won't even notice if I'm in the room, thus making my projection of success totally unnecessary

I just have this neurosis about the stupid company because I basically feel like the red-headed step child who was kicked to the curb. Because I was so young when I started working there and because of all of circumstances surrounding my working there and my eventual rise to a "real" in my positionin the department, I saw the company and its senior management as being these paternal figures whose approval I desperately sought, and regardless of how much overtime I put in or how hard I tried, I felt completely invisible and scape goated there. It was just miserable.

Getting downsized was the best thing that could have possibly happened to me, but regardless, I still have this deeply ingrained feeling that this company was like the abusive neglectful parent for whom nothing was good enough. This conception is compounded by the fact that even after McMormon, the head VP made degrading sexist comments about me to my boyfriend ("...You know how women are hah hah hah" the day I was downsized, my boyfriend STILL CONTINUES TO WORK THERE AND HAS NO PLANS TO LEAVE. I would also like to add that my boyfriend made dean's list in college, was a brilliant writer, but for some unfathomable reason, once he graduated from college (which by the way I have not done as of yet) he decided to work full time at the stupid company I was already working at even though I told him that I really would prefer if he worked somewhere else He just rolled right in. He had been working there part time during college as an interviewer, which was fine, but it's like he graduated from college and gave up on life.

Anyway...

I had received stellar evaluations at the job and consistently got raises, and I know the reason I was laid off as opposed to the other (male) supervisors who hadn't worked there nearly as long and who didn't put in as much overtime was due to sexism and the fact that I was making slightly more money than the other supervisors (although I had plently of seniorty I was still making only slightly more than people who were brand new.) I'm not just saying this as an excuse-- it's true and everyone knows it.

I had already been sending out resumes at the point I was laid off, and wanted to leave because working there had become a horror show, but the way it all came about was just so fucking traumatising.

So yeah, being the continually dutiful (albeit borderline psychotic and desperatly needy of approval) daughter of industry that I am, I will attend the fucking X-mas party tomorrow. Actually, I think I may be harboring revenge fantasies (cracking a beer bottle and stabbing McMormon in his moon faced Republic head with it; causing everyone in senior management to jump out the window after explaining to them that even though they are senior management and I am not, I still have far more vacation time than they will ever dream of) that I am subconsciously hoping to act upon.

Also, I do have legitimate reasons for going.

1) Free food

2) Free booze

3) Morbid curiosity

4) Showing off because I lost weight and work at Harvard now

5) Being able to hang out with MG, SH, and CH who I love but never get to see.

Probably McMorman will make a sacharine and totally fake speech that everyone will smile their fake smiles at as we all get slowly drunk.

Oh well.

If anything, it will give me a good story to tell in tomorrow's diary entry.