I have massive static cling today. My dress is stuck to my stockings and I feel like a loser whenever I walk down the hall. Attempting to straighten it out only makes it worse. I know that nobody cares, but it's really irritating. Be gone, static cling!

It's electric! Boogie Woogie Woogie

My muscels are sore today because I upped all my weights yesterday. It feels good. I like that soreness. It feels like my body is blooming. I have lost 53 lbs., and with all of the muscle tone I have gained, the net loss as far as fat is concerned is probably a lot higher. This is the least neurotic attempt at losing weight that I have ever made. Knowing that my thyroid and the PCOS had a large part in my weight gain was such a huge load off of my shoulders (literally). So much of the guilt has been alleviated, and I find it easy to just treat myself and my body correctly. Guilt about weight is ridiculous anyway-- I mean, what a stupid, stupid thing to feel guilty about, but being aware of it consciously is the best way to reverse it.

So... as anyone who's reading this can see, the past couple of days have been a big blow off for me at work. I'm really glad though that I started this diary because it makes me feel like I'm talking to somebody, even though I'm only talking to myself. I didn't realize how much I've had on my mind and how badly I was longing to just get it down, and doing so has made me feel better and allowed me to put things in greater perspective.

Oh, I think I ironed things out with my boyfriend regarding him thinking that I was reading his online diary. I hope he believed me because it was honestly the truth, but I don't know whether he really believes me or not. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't a little curious as to what he's scribbling about, but I would feel really uncomfortable reading it because he so speciifcally told me not to when I found out he had started writing the damned thing, and I promised I wouldn't. Now and then I have a compulsion to look at it, but doing so would make me feel really really guilty, which is why I haven't.

I hope he comes home early tonight. I don't think either of us really has much money so we can't do anything fun, but I like it when we can spend time together that doesn't coincide with my bedtime. He gets home from work very late usually because he has the night time shift at the stupid company, which he likes because then he can stay up and play online and drink beer by himself and watch tv. I 've done that whole bit before, and I can honsetly say that I much prefer being awake in the day and getting off work and going for a walk or to the gym, hanging out with my roommate or chilling with MB and JK, reading a book, writing, occassionally getting drunk, being out during daylight and getting off work in time to hit the record stores before they close. Weekends are for staying up late, being a slacker, etc.

While I was laid off from the stupid company, I spent so much time staying up really late, playing on the internet, watching tv, wasting time, etc. That period of time cured me of ever wanting that kind of slacker existence again. On the the other hand, I can totally understand how after spending the day at the stupid company, consistently worrying about who's going to be mad, or how much everyone could give a flying fuck whether you exist, and only hanging out with people who are younger than you and have bright futures while you're just wasting your life, all you would want to do would be to come home and numb out. I remember feeling like that while I worked there. I couldn't wait to come home and have a drink because I knew how pointless the whole thing was.

Now, everything is so different for me. My life is like a 180 degree turn from where it was just a year ago. I love my new job. I love working at Harvard. I love the people I work with and the work that is done here. My point of view has totally shifted in the pastyear , and the only remnant of that other life is my boyfriend.

My boyfriend who I love so deeply but who is living in another reality, in another dimension, and we are straddling our two planets, fingers entwined, but our planets are moving further and further out of each others' orbits, and it's getting harder and harder to hold on. I can't jump to his planet 'cause I lived there already, and I never want to live there again. He has to jump to mine or we have to jump to a whole different planet altogether. But if something doesn't change soon, I'm going to have to let go, and we will each be thriving under different suns.