2001-12-04 | 11:59 a.m.

My boyfriend and I are going to Salem for New Years Eve. This is probably going to be our last New Years as a couple. It will be our 5th New Years Eve together. Next year he will be spending New Years with one (or more) of the mini girl-friends-- probably one(s) that he doesn't even know yet because the time line on the mini-girlfriend friendships is usually a year or two at most. It's kind of like Peter Pan and Wendy; when Wendy gets too old, Peter stops coming to the window. When the mini girl friends quit working at the stupid company or they move away or graduate college, he just finds another one. He's really good at replacing people. He'll probably do it for the rest of his life.

In fact, I think he hasn't had a period of not having a girlfiend since he was like 15 years old or some crazy nonsense like that. Before me there was J***** and before her was L***** briefly, and before L there was Er*****, the holy terror whose sun and moon are both in Cancer. J***** and E*** were super dependednt. I think in certain ways I am too, and they were both very vocal, as am I. They were both a little bit crazy as well, and hey-- I never said I wasn't neurotic.

I don't think my boyfriend's ever met anyone like me though before. And I think he has no fucking idea where I'm coming from or what's going on in my mind. The longer we've known each other the less we communicate. I have a sense that he doesn't really know me at all anymore, and that 90% of the time if I ask him a question about how he feels, he gives me an answer that is only partly true. Our relationship has developed into a weird love/hate sort of thing, I think-- which is strange since we used to always be such close friends. Over the past year and a half or so, I just felt continuously dismissed and fucked over. Maybe he fdelt that way too, although I honestly don't know why. If I've started making demands it's only because being nice, kind, forgiving, generous, accomodating, and compromising, has gotten me screwed, and I have felt the need to find ways of defending myself.

So New Years. I hope we have a good time. I really really really hope that he fucking pulls through for me. As much as I am doubting this will happen, I just keep hoping that it will.

But I know it won't.