December 13, 2002 | 2:55 PM

I am starting to feel much much better. Hurrah!

I think my job hates me right now. I think they are very pissed at me for being out. And for this I feel guilty. But the thing is, I really and truly would have been a waste of space there. I couldn�t (and still can barely) even talk for fuck sake. They think I live on the edge and cause myself to get ill, and they may have a point. I am getting older and the shit I got away with as a kid (pulling alnighters and such) gets harder and harder for me to pull off.

I grow old I grow old I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

So as I�ve alluded to before I�ve been doing a lot of thinking over the past week that I�ve been confined and alone. Heavy shit. What it all means, etc. Seems like our generation is consistently searching to give our lives meaning. And it seems that we tend to do that in a narcissistic way (i.e.� �Fuck all this bourgeois bullshit. I�m going to be an artist.�) I don�t know that there�s necessarily anything wrong with that. It�s good and healthy to think there�s more to life than punching a clock. And the absence of ambition in anyone is my biggest pet peeve. But it�s also something to grow beyond. Not everyone is fucking John Lennon or Kurt Cobain. And can you honestly say that you�d wanna be?

I think too that there�s a certain emptiness to staking claim on meaning through art alone. Very few people have the constitution to make the kinds of sacrifices it takes to devote your whole life to art. I don�t think I have it. And as far as I can tell I�ve never met anyone who does either (which isn�t to say I am not, nor are others I�ve met very talented. That�s not my point) Yet there�s a masochistic beating ourselves up over not having devoted our whole lives to ART. It seems like we�ve all internalized that art and individulaism is THE thing to strive for in life. We�ve read to much fucking Noman Mailer and Jack Kerouack and not enough of the Brontes or Elizabeth Gaskell.

The thing with art though is that it shouldn�t be a chore. I think if the passion strikes you to do something, then great. And if not, that�s OK too. Of course, being in really unhappy environments (especially work) can strip away the ability for that need to spark. And that�s worth thinking about, but not really my point.

I guess what I am trying to say is I think we lost something when we (collectively as a generation) decided that it�s more important to FIND OURSELVES and DO OUR ART than it is to maybe be happy as part of a community or a family. It seems like everyone (myself included) is so terrified to commit. Whereas in the past people unthinkingly jumped into marriage and family with often unhappy results, people now just as unthinkingly shy away from it, dismiss it and put it off. Why? Because we were hurt as kids? Grow up, for fuck�s sake.

I think I am reversing my position on marriage and so forth which was based wholly on my own fear and recent (and childhood) hurts. I think I became so anti-marriage and children because I wasn�t facing up to just how devastating my last abortion was for me. And that honestly, if I had been in a different position, I would have made a different choice. I think there is something special and divine about being a part of a family and a community as long as everyone also has a life outside of that. It�s all about balance. There�s no reason you can�t have kids and also act in community theater. I think that may in the long run for me be more rewarding.

In the doctor�s office the other day while waiting for a chest x-ray I spent fifteen minutes watching this mother and father with their toddler. And it brought back a lot of the memories I have of growing up in a large family�some good, some bad, but all worth while. That has stayed with me and haunted me since.

I�m losing my point here. But I at least know what I�m getting at.

Anyway, I have decided to go into work tomorrow and get some shit done and perhaps that will take the edge off of my boss�s annoyance. (They really do love me and I lie them quite a lot so it�s not the end of the world. I just can�t stand folks being angry with me.)