November 16, 2002 | 3:58 PM

I had the most amazing evening yesterday (which was cool since the rest of the day sucked so much.)

I was kissed by a thirty-six year old lawyer named Bob who really likes me and I sang karaoke and hung out with people I love and just had a tremendous time. (More about that later)

But right now I feel depressed and kind of angry. And I can�t really go into why, which is so fucking annoying. I can only dance around it which is basically what I have to do on this website every time I talk about a feeling that isn�t 100% positive and has to do with someone I know, or risk the wrath of offended friends.

I remember the first blissful few weeks that I started writing in this diary and nobody knew about it. Then I made the huge mistake of telling someone and now half the planet reads this, which is something I never ever intended. I sometimes look at my stats and cringe because I know that every single person at the Stupid Company is perusing through this casually and judging it and it makes me feel kind of queasy-- my stats have gone out of control. I get seven or eight hundred page views a day, and I bet that half of those are from people who "know me". And as time has gone on and more and more people I am casually acquainted with learn about this website (never from me I might add-- I find myself in the awkward position of feeling responsible for what other people read, when I wouldn't have in a million years told those people to read this, nor would I have tailored my content to suit them), I have to censor myself more and more. I guess that�s called �common courtesy.� Because I honestly (and I know it may appear otherwise) don�t want to bad mouth anyone or hurt anyone�s feelings. I kind of compulsively say whatever I feel and I am retraining myself not to do that.

That�s my fault�if I don�t want anyone looking at this I can take it off line or lock it up. And I�m not going to do that because (I know how lame it sounds) I really love diaryland. I don�t care if that sounds retarded and more sophisticated folk roll their eyes and accuse me of being fame obsessed or �half assed� or whatever. I really love diaryland. It has had an enormously positive impact on my life. It has been better for me than Reichian therapy. I have come to terms with so many things about myself and have been forced to see so many of my faults (being whiny, obsessive, tactless, inconsiderate, quick to temper tantrums, etc.) I have accomplished so much in the past year�moving out on my own, working at Harvard, getting straight A�s in school, working at the non-profit music organization part time, losing weight, etc. etc. and I don�t think I would have had the courage to do those things without diaryland. Call it stupid if you want, but I�m not one to look a gift horse in the mouth. And I�m not going to stop writing here because it�s like a little community and I love it too much to give it up. Idon[�t want to abandon banana3159.diaryland.com because it�s an entire work. I�ve tried a couple of times to stop writing here and failed miserably.

If I could go back in time, I would never have given out this URL.

When I write in here, I don�t have anyone in mind to whom I�m trying to communicate, except myself. I just have no emotional restraints at all and I can�t keep myself from saying exactly what I think and feel at any given time. I used to be very restrained and quiet about my emotions and it almost killed me. Now, it�s really hard for me to keep quiet which is why some people love me and other people think I�m a total jerk. I know there are people who think that I use this website as a hbull pullpit from which to villainize other people, and that makes me very very sad because nothing could be further from the truth. I know that things I�ve written have hurt people, and that makes me sick to my stomach as well.

As far as fame hunriness goes�yeah, I love the positive attention I get from people in my guestbook�does that make me a bad person? What�s wrong with enjoying positive attention?. I�m a ham. So I like getting a response from people. And I love reading people�s words�especially just ordinary people like me�not �writers�, but regular people with something to say�there are several diaries that I am hooked on. I�ve read work by people on diaryland that has impressed me enormously. I�ve met three people on diaryland who are now among my closest friends. I reunited with Jonee and Josh and Tara et al and got to meet Debbie because of diaryland. I�ve learned about all kinds of good music and books and movies from people on diaryland. And if I may pat myself on the back, I know that I have written several things that have actually helped other people�people I don�t even know in �real life�. And that makes me feel really really good. The writing of some people on diaryland has had a huge impact on me as well and I�ve been amazed and comforted by a great deal of the diaries I read.

And besides all that, there�s the pragmatic aspect of it. It�s been a very convenient way to stay in touch with people who I don�t get to see every day because I am very busy with two jobs and my classes.

And the negative side of it is that people get very upset about things I write and my motivations are completely misunderstood. And also sometime people write me guestbook messages telling me I�m fat.

Yesterday I wrote an entry about my feelings on a certain subject. The subject tangentially had to do with another person. The entry I wrote was not in any way mean spirited�I stressed again and again that the person whom I mentioned didn�t do anything wrong. I was just talking about how I felt. And then for a lot of reasons I felt compelled to delete it. And I really hate that.

I just felt the need to clarify a couple of things. There�s other stuff I want to say, but can�t. So I�ll write it down in my paper diary and put it in a locked drawer.