November 13, 2002 | 2:51 PM

Can I just state how bloody fucking bored I am right now?

Contentment breeds boredom for me.

I need adventure and a little craziness. Things have become so safe (which is paradoxically, also what I want.) I have my genteel professional position, my nice Harvard classes, my lovely apartment, two to three days a week out on the town, etc. etc.

I�m just about tearing my hair out I�m so fucking bored. I�ve mastered all of it. I�ve proven to myself that I can get straight A�s, work a professional job, and take care of myself while living alone. Bring on the next thing, please.

See, this why I used to get myself involved in strange relationships and such�it might�ve been harrowing, but it usually wasn�t dull. Now I�ve become far more well adjusted, and although I�m quite thankful that there�s no gothic sex and death drama and no crazed roomates beating their girlfriends, and no sleeping in airports or scrounging to eat, what I need is something else to focus on.

I need a big project. A very big project.

I need to be in a play, or better yet, produce a play from start to finish like I used to in Rochester. There are several good plays coming up that I could try out for but I am still too fat for any of the good roles.

The cleanse keeps my interest. When I wrote the saga that kept my interest. Travelling keeps my interest. The Sorry Jar (god bless it) used to keep my interest. Performing of any kind�even just karaoke excites me to no end.

I wrote my acting teacher from college recently�the one who told me I was the most talented student she�s had in ten years as well as being the biggest fuck up (I used to go to class drunk.) I actually made her cry once, for christ sakes. She teaches at U. Penn now. I wrote her and apologized for what a total idiot I was.

I need something to do besides reading and watching movies and writing papers and going on five mile walks. And I need it to not be solitary. I need to be involved in something that involves other people, but nobody ever really fully commits.

I NEED TO BE IN A FUCKING PLAY. EVEN A MUSICAL REVIEW WOULD BE FINE.

I want to go out on stage and belt out a showstopper. I want to sing, �I�m Still Here� or �The Miller�s Son� or �Everything�s coming up Roses�.

Or I want to do fucking Medea or Long Day�s Journey into Night or Hedda Gabler-- something INTENSE. I just need to do something. It�s driving me nuts.

Oh what the fucking hell. Maybe I�ll just audition for the thin girl parts anyway just for the experience of being onstage and doing it, even though I know there�s no change in hell I�ll get those roles at current weight.

I think today after work I�ll go on another five mile walk.