November 05, 2002 | 3:42 PM

I spent some time reading back over some of my archives.

It made me laugh. And it made my heart hurt.

Does anyone else feel constantly pulled in different directions, scattered yet inert? Sometimes I feel sliced and diced and pixilated and lacking.

I crave things I shouldn�t have and dwell on things that I can�t control. I feel about an inch away from total heartbreak so often, even when things are going just fine.

I want to curl up with someone and feel safe and loved.

I have a sense sometimes that I damaged myself to such an extent that it won�t ever really heal.

And that thought makes me really fucking tired.