November 03, 2002 | 10:48 AM

I am back on the cleanse today. I think it�s a very good move on my part. I need to do some major soul searching. There is so much confusion in me right now. There is so much I need to work through and I�ve been working through it forever, but at some point I hit a stone wall. Wouldn�t it be nice to just be done working through things? Like coming to a point and saying, �OK, I no longer have issues with this.� Or �Now I am totally over this.�

Does this actually happen to anyone?

The only time that�s happened to me is if I got whisked off to a totally different story line�i.e. going from high school to college or starting a new project like a play, and then my mind just isn�t on The Thing I Am Working Through. It doesn�t mean it�s gone away of course, just that it�s hibernating.

So anyway, am cleansing again. I am thinking of going up through November 22nd, which would be twenty days�three days more than I did last time.

So the two movies I saw yesterday The Secretary and Punch Drunk Love are without doubt, the two best movies about romantic love/sex that I have ever seen.

I�m too tired and out of it to go into some big critique, so I�ll just say that when I got out of Punch Drunk Love I was speechless. It was hilarious and beautiful and sad and so fucking IMAGINATIVE. And perfectly shot. I�ve always liked Paul Thomas Anderson, but felt he had some serious work to do before he made a truly great film. I think this is the film. I want to watch it over and over and over again.

The Secretary. Holy shit. HOLY SHIT. I have never been so turned on in my entire life. I mean, I was creaming all over the place (very frustrating when you�re in a crowded theater, but in a way good because sexual frustration can be a lot of fun if that makes sense�the anticipation and tension is almost more fun than the act�this might be why I�m always drawn into these weird sexual relationships with people..) Way better than any porn I have ever seen. Beautifully written and acted and HOTT. Maybe other people wouldn�t think of it as being Hot�they might find it a little weird or even highly disturbing and gross. But I�m really interested in the division of power in sexual relationships, so I found it fascinating and incredibly erotic. I am not really big into S/M but oddly, I felt like the writer/director of The Secretary had some kind of bird�s eye view into my sexuality and my thoughts on love.

Wow just thinking about it is getting me super turned on.

OK. I need to stop writing right now. I�ll have more to say later.