November 01, 2002 | 1:46 PM

This is going to sound super lame but I�ll let you in on my new defense mechanism.

I have invented an imaginary friend. Her name is Charlotte and she is my front line of defense in any romantic situation.

Whereas I will put up with anything to get a guy�s attention, Charlotte will not. Charlotte knows she�s awesome and that there are probably 1,000 guys who want her so if one of them is being a dick (i.e. not showing up for a date aka The Boy from the street), she tells him to go screw.

I spend an enormous amount of time mooning about men and wondering what their motivations are. Charlotte on the other hand knows she�s so cool that if someone likes her and is worth her time, he�ll act like a good guy and pursue the situation.

I bend over backwards to make things ok and feel horrible guilt for hurting anyone�s feelings. Charlotte however does not apologize. She doesn�t try to make everything ok when it�s not. She waits for the apology. She doesn�t wear her heart on her sleeve. She doesn�t cry desperately over men. She doesn�t feel like she�d trade her own soul for just an hour of kissing.

Charlotte knows she�s worth being pursued.

Charlotte knows she�s beautiful and sexy and great in bed and anyone worth her salt would think the same thing. Anyone she would ever want to go to bed with or be involved with would have to make a move towards her and treat her like the gorgeous, intelligent woman she is.

So I�ve decided to let Charlotte answer all my email and phone messages from now on. And I�m letting her tell me what to say.

She is one fucking awesome girl, is Charlotte.

Now if only I looked like her.