October 31, 2002 | 3:46 PM

OK.

(Deep breath)

There are two things I need and they seem to me in opposition to one another.

1) I need something to believe in. Doesn�t everyone need that? Isn�t that why people do crazy things like turn into religious nuts or become obsessed with star trek or stalk David Letterman? Isn�t that just an extreme form of attempting to find meaning in our lives? I just feel suddenly that I do not know what to believe in anymore. The subtext in my life has changed suddenly (for many many reasons) and I am having a major philosophical crisis right now. Whenever this happens, I always want to kill myself because I feel like I�m going through this terribly painful birthing process. I come out of it OK, always. I mean I know that I would never actually kill myself. If I were going to, I would have done it a long long time ago. But in certain moments, I just feel like I no longer want to exist. Like last night.

So my point is that I just need to believe in SOMETHING. And I am having this crisis of faith. I don�t want to become cynical. I don�t want to give up on the world or on myself or on people that I love. But I need to come up with a different context in which to view everything because the one I have been using is faulty. There�s something horribly wrong with it and I don�t know what. I truly welcome anyone�s analyses of it if you have anything enlightening to say because I am out of answers.

And going along with this (it may seem like a separate thing but somehow it�s all tied together for me) I need desperately to feel loved. I don�t mean in the lame egocentric way where I am a black hole for attention (I am that, but that�s not what I am talking about.) I mean I really need to feel loved and understood. And I want to be held and I want to be really cared for and about. And I don�t feel loved right now. And I haven�t in so long. It�s not anyone�s fault. I have great friends. I have a great family. I feel liked, and admired, and respected. But I don�t feel loved, even if I actually am. And not feeling loved is making me sick.

And the other thing I need:

2) I need to lighten the fuck up. I need to stop taking everything so seriously. As Tara so rightly put it, I need to smoke some pot. As Eric said, I need to listen to showtunes. I need to stop being this walking antenna that picks up a million radio stations. I need to stop being a critic who analyzes every situation as though it�s a great novel. I need to stop being some crazy saint (you know like the ones that didn�t eat anything except bugs in order to prove their love of God?) that can�t get other people�s pain and suffering off her mind. And I need to stop being a diva that feels the whole fucking world revolves around her.

I need to have some fun. I need to laugh more and be goofy. I actually really and truly can be goofy and light hearted and happy. I mean, that�s how I felt last Saturday night. I need to be around people even more than I am.

Does any of this make any sense? It probably doesn�t. It doesn�t even really make sense to me. It�s the best I can do, though.

Ok it�s a few hours later and I wanted to add one more thing that I need to remind myself of, and it�s something that might help me figure all of this out.

Despite my many many faults (which I am trying to correct), one thing I am truly glad of is how much I care about things. I will never be someone who is content sitting by and watching life pass�staring at a TV screen and collecting a paycheck. And though many times I wish I were like that�just had a numbing comfortable existence, I am so glad that I don�t.

As Jessica reminded me of today, I wouldn�t fucking trade any of this�this anguish, this questioning, this loss for plain old vanilla boring. Because as confused and dire as I am right now, I know that this life is beautiful. And that what makes it beautiful is honesty, and idealism, and not being satisfied with the easy way out.

People who spend their lives taking the easy way out might as well dig a grave and jump in it.

So yeah, today I am terrified. And I am deeply sad. And I feel loss. But I am also incredibly thankful.

Jessica, I will call you later.