October 30, 2002 | 3:39 PM

A few minutes ago a friend wrote me an email about something that�s going on in my life right now, something I am desperately to trying get over. This �something� just happened over the past few days but really it�s been coming to this for years. Like a bomb that�s been under construction for a decade and finally went off.

I thought the bomb had gone off before, but that was only an airstike�one that wiped out a lof of the vegetation and made it inhospitable for living creatures to inhabit.

But now I know. This time there�s no doubt.

The bomb has most definitely gone off and the landscape is leveled and there are shadows frozen on the pavement and the water supply is polluted and there is a dead quiet hanging in the air signifying that at long last, this particular situation has most definitely come to an end.

It�s the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine

But that�s a lie, Michael Stipe. I don�t feel fucking fine at all.

I am. I mean I just am so angry. So fucking angry about it.

And what makes me angry most of all is that I have been robbed of any good or positive feelings about what once was. That all the love in my heart has been sucked out with a straw and replaced with venom and anger and complete and total distaste and animosity and regret. And that just hurts. It fucking hurts so much to have felt one way about something for so long, and then realize you were so completely and totally wrong. I imagine that people who are patriots and realize that their government is actually made up of a bunch of corrupt phonies feel the same way.

This is a completely new situation for me. I have never had this happen before. Where my entire way of thinking and feeling about something has just be irretrievably reversed in a heartbeat. People have hurt me before terribly, and I�ve certainly come to realizations that I didn�t want to come to�about myself, about the world, and about people that I care about. But never in my life have I been faced with this.

I mean, it�s just like somebody told me that the Beatles didn�t actually write their own music. Or that Franklin Roosevelt was a Nazi spy. I feel so fucking betrayed. I mean I am filled with hatred right now. Just filled with it. I have never before wished someone else harm, like actually would be glad if something bad happened to them. And that�s how I feel right now. And it�s making me sick.

I keep trying to meditate and do yoga and I keep trying to reach a point of forgiveness and elevate myself above this level of disgust just so that I can get on with my life and not feel so connected, but it won�t work. I mean, by rights I should have hit this bottom a long time ago. I�ll spare you the laundry list, but the deeds are many and dirty and most people would have seen the Forrest for the trees way before the start of this millennium. I have tons and tons of faults�I can be impulsive and jump the gun and act like a crazy fool. But I am dead loyal. And if I love someone I absolutely do not ever ever EVER give up on that person. I may get pissed and I may rant and rave. But I never have given up on anyone who I love. I never say, you know what? Get the fuck out of my life. I don�t need you and I don�t ever want to see you again. But now...It�s like things add up and add up and add up and then something finally becomes the straw that broke the camel�s back and you just feel like such a stupid fucking fool. Such a stupid fucking moron that you didn�t see it for so many years after everything that happened. I mean it�s so obvious. Of course, of course OF COURSE this is the way things are.

And it makes me just wish I could take a big eraser and go back over this whole portion of my life so that it never happened because this is the one time where I can safely say that I know this didn�t make me a better human being. That I would have been a bigger and better person had I not gone down this particular road. I know Suki that you can�t live your life in the subjunctive, but this was such a monumental mistake�and not an impulsive one�one that I continued to make for years and years and years. I didn�t learn anything positive from this, not that I can see, anyway. I will probably be in therapy for the rest of my life over it. I don�t know if I will ever be able to trust anyone ever again. And I don�t think I will ever be able to fully love in the way that I once was capable. And that makes me so god damned fucking angry at how damaged I allowed myself to get.

So angry that I feel this way. I am just so angry right now that I think I am going to go home and start hitting a fucking pillow or cutting up pictures or breaking dishes that I don�t like that much. And I think I might take boxing lessons or karate lessons because I feel actually physically violent and I have never felt that way EVER in my whole life. I mean not ever. It�s like being someone else.

I have wished myself harm before. I mean I�ve threatened to hurt myself and fantasized about my own death�especially when I was really angry or hurt because of something someone else did. But in my wildest dreams I have never entertained the thought that I would really like to punch someone in the fucking face and watch them bleed. That doing so would make me feel terrific. I mean, I�m a fucking pacifist for chists sakes. I cry when I see dead birds. And now I am wishing that someone else�s teeth would be knocked on the floor. Jesus. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Yeah-- what hurts the most is not the having been hurt part, but feeling the emptiness where once there was love and respect. Feeling that negated, having had it stolen from me, ripped out of my chest. Nothing has ever ever EVER made me so fucking sad and angry in my entire life.

And all it took was 12 words. 12 fucking words. The straw the broke the goddamned camel�s fucking back was no bigger than one measly little sentence long. How fucking fitting.

I guess it�s better just to know and get on with your life. But right now it doesn�t feel that way. If any of you have ever had the experience of totally writing off someone you were inseparable from�like a best friend or a family member, please write me a positive email about that if you have the time, because right now I just want to die.

I have never ever stopped loving anyone before. Never. And I never thought I ever would.