October 22, 2002 | 9:26 PM

OK--

Last last LAST unlocked entry. Swear to god. I was just planning on locking it right now when I got home from work, but then I read something.

Someone whose writing and philosophy I respect and admire wrote in her own blog about me locking my diary, and I really wanted to address that here before locking up. I have gotten so many similar emails and guestbook messages from people about this, and I feel very badly that I am disappointing people or letting them down, or giving the impression that I am cowering because someone told me I hurt their feelings.

This is what she wrote:

At the end of the day today, one of my favorite webjournalists is locking her diary. It was too brutally honest, she says. She hurt people, she says.

I don't know if I buy this backing down that she insists is respectful. Respectful to whom? To the people who couldn't handle honest opinions? Respectful to an open self which is now acquiescing and hiding with the fear that other people can't stand what is said?

Ok, if you're actually being mentally honest and someone can't handle it, I say blow them. However, I do completely agree that writing in anger and in spite (Especially gossiping) for all to see is unacceptable. If you're venting, make sure it's know you're venting. But backing down and covering up an honest emotional expression is crap. Most people never even get that far. Most people write tripe (some of it is at least intelligible). Most people apologize for existing and go back to their humble lives no further enriched from their interaction with the world, with the WORD.

DO YOU HEAR WHAT I AM SAYING?

I am saying that it PISSES me off to hear someone that actually said something that took courage and introspection back down from their voice. Granted, this person may continue to have a voice, as she says, in private but to hear someone retract their voice from the outcry at all still saddens me. No one says anything any more. We're all too afraid to upset the great social calamity that is life.

This is a person I've read and respected for being so honest. Who I could relate to in more ways than one just because she kept an open word. Our lives should be an open book. And now, she says...

"If a magical genie offered me one wish right now, it would be that I could take back all the harm I have caused. Of course I can�t do that. I don�t know whether amends can be made. I truly hope they can. But I have certainly made apologies in the past, have been forgiven, and have fucked up yet again anyway. This time though, I am learning my lesson. The one positive thing this situation has taught me is that I must learn to think about how my behavior might affect others. That I am not just responsible to myself, but to people I care about and I have a responsibility to their trust in me. That is far more important than my own flight of fancy being �honest in the moment.�

"The moment is never really honest anyway. The moment is not the whole picture of things. Not at all. It is fine to be honest with yourself in the moment, to write down in your own paper journal how you are feeling. But I have discovered how wrong it is to say such things publicly. I wish to God I could take it all back. I am appalled and astounded at my own lack of judgement. And I sincerely hope that anyone who reads this is as well. I really really hope that everyone understands exactly how immoral and unfair some of the things I have written here are.

"The way I have behaved is abusive. And cruel. And there is no excuse for it. And for the rest of my life I will have to live with the knowledge that I did something absolutely terrible. And I am sure karma will give me my just desserts."

Fuck this. I want to be honest. I want to hurt and be hurt but more than anything. I want to be REAL.

No one can make me REAL but myself.

Will karma give you your just desserts for speaking out, for being who you wanted to be, for taking a moment to be heard? No. The people who were hurt or offended by your true feelings will take that moment into themselves... perhaps it will change the nature of your relationship but it is up to THEM to cope. If lying or withholding is the only way to keep yourself happy, so be it.

I want an honest voice but I, too, am afraid. We are cowards, all of us, looking for a soulmate in the darkness, too afriad to ask, too afraid to listen. Too afraid to be hurt.

Pain isn't good, especially emotional pain. But it's real. It's better than living in denial.

But this online journal phenomenon is outstandingly confusing. I don't want to be anonymous, I want to be my true self to the people I know and the people I don't know. But I do value the friendships I have over the trite fantasies and amalgamations in my head. I would never publish a private conversation or record a spiteful thought about someone unless that even became so monumentous it was an intgral part of my existence. How do you avoid hurting someone while still remaining true to yourself? It seems simple enough not to gossip but it's also too simple to lie and talk around in circles... I know this already.

I guess that's why I do like locked posts, a sort of neccesary evil. Locked journals I feel are redundant. Keep a paper journal, don't tempt us. And never apologize for your words. Apologize for your hurt but don't revoke your voice.

I guess what I'm trying to say is please those of you who have a voice, never give it up, never censor it. And those of you who are struggling for a voice, speak louder... some of us do want to listen. Some of us do want to understand.

Sigh.

I don't want to end up in that same place, I really don't. I don't want to feel I have to retract my words. (Apologies and forgiveness are another thing entirely; they are wonderful) My voice is here to be heard. Take me or leave me. Love me or hate me. I don't care.

I am. I breathe. I speak.

Hurt me, I dare you. And if I hurt you, I'm sorry, I speak what I feel.

(call me an insensitive bastard, whatever, it's been a long couple of weeks and I'm just craving a fight, a connection, intellectual discourse.. intercourse... anything. And fuck my brain, it's giving me crack dreams again. UGH. Stupid subconscious.)

*

Deep breath.

First of all, I truly am touched by everything that everyone has said to me over the course of the past couple days. Really, I am. I have read so many diaries that have made such a difference in my life and I feel really honored that people read this and that maybe it's worth something to them. And I feel that the more open and honest we are, the more we truly express ourselves, the happier and more connected we will be and the more opportunity we have to grow.

My life is an open book. The only criticism that really really upsets me or that I have a hard time taking is someone calling me untalented, or fat or ugly or lame or whiny-- you know, basic school yard type slurs.

But if someone criticizes something I've done or how I behave, even if initially it bothers me or I lash out in response, in the end I am always thankful that I have more information about how to view myself. For example, somebody writing about my eating disorder or a drunken escapade I had, or how I acted like an insensitive prick or something doesn't bother me really because in the long run I know that a new perspective is allowing me a chance to become a better person. And I really don't have secrets. I think secrets are bullshit, personally. The fact of the matter is, I never wrote anything in my diary because someone was or was not reading it. It didn't matter to me who read it-- I always stated how I felt, just as I would have in a paper diary. And just as I would have written letters in a paper diary (and quite often did), I also wrote them in this diary. Privacy just isn't really that important to me when compared with other values I hold dear.

HOWEVER-- that is only my opinion. And I have carelessly disregarded that other people do not feel the same way. That other people are (quite validly) hurt if you call them out on the carpet in a public forum, especially if you do so tactlessly and condescendingly. That other people do not appreciate you flinging open the closet door and pointing out what you believe (and which may or may not be true-- it's just your opinion) are their skeletons.

There is a line, ladies and gentlemen. And I really and truly believed that I crossed it.

There is a fine line between being honest and being exploitative. And I think that some of what I did was exploitative. And it was hurtful. And I should have been much more sensitive about that than I was. I think that in my haste to record the moment, I said some things here that were just angry and not well thought out. And those things hurt someone whom I love deeply and who has shown me a great deal of respect in this online forum. And at this moment, I don't really trust myself due to my treatment of this person. I feel like I have things to work out and work on. And part of doing that is to close the circle of this website-- maybe not forever, but for awhile.

As I said, if you read this, and especially if I have communiated with you, and you want to continue reading it, email me at [email protected] and I will consider it.

I do not do not DO NOT want this diary to be a method of hurting or belittling others. And the entries that I deleted, which most of you probably haven't read, I think did that. I don't think they were worth while, and I am ashamed that I had the poor judgement to post them here. That is something I have to deal with.

One of the ways I am going to deal with it is by locking this for awhile. The other way I am going to deal with it is to still be as honest as possible here without referring to anyone I know, without writing entries about other people who are part of my life. I think in many ways this will be a good exercise for me. It is a positive thing, a growth experience. I am am not running away with my tail between my legs. I am taking some time to rethink things.

I hope that makes sense. I am locking this diary tomorrow at 4PM E.S. Time. And for those of you who won't be reading for awhile, I wish you the very best.