October 15, 2002 | 2:35 PM

I�m basically just writing a diary entry because I don�t feel like doing any more real work.

I just ate a vegetarian fajita for lunch and it was good but the carbs are making me feel kind of sick.

I can honestly say that the best I feel is when I�m not eating at all. Like on the cleanse. Maybe I should just eat as little as possible. Only vegetables and fruit and lean meat.

But the thing is, I really like having big delicious meals with fiends. I love to cook. To me it�s like an art form. It�s a powerful act of creation. The whole concept of making and serving and sharing food to me just seems so healthy and profound. Being nourished with good food and good company and good wine, of course. Of course I�m all about being into whole ad organic foods now, and so my eating has been so much better than what it used to be because of that. Not everything I�ve been putting in my mouth has been incredibly nutritious, but I have 100% cut out all fast food, junk food (potato chips and cookies and anything partially hydrogenated or containing chemicals I can�t pronounce) and artificial food (diet soda etc.). Now the worst things I eat are potatoes and the occasional bread (oh man that bread Josh and Debbie brought over the other night was so good...) I also don�t have any problem stopping half way through and saying, �Ok I�m full now. Don�t need to finish that.� So really all in all the cleanse has made a very big (positive) difference for me.

But I still feel like my body is really toxic. Rome after all was not built in a day. And several weeks of cleansing and a couple colonics aren�t going to wipe away all of the disease and toxicity. And I know I�ve gained back maybe two or three lbs. since being off the cleanse. Obviously, this was going to happen. You can�t go from not even eating anything to eating again and not gain at least some water weight, but it�s a tad disheartening to me anyway. And I�ve been drinking too, which doesn�t help any. The book says to expect to gain back about half of what you lost. Blah.

So I think I�m going to give my body a little more chance to adapt to food again�laying off of course the fucking potatoes and cheese and other tasty treats, and then November first I will go back on the cleanse again just in time to really clean out before the holiday season.

God the holiday season is coming up.

Life just goes by so fast. I feel like I need to grab on to each moment and treasure everyone and everything because soon enough me and you and you and everyone else are all gonna be dead, and this really is such a wonderful beautiful life. And it�s such a fucking shame to waste it fretting or in fear.

(Happy Birthday Tara!)