October 11, 2002 | 12:39 PM

Sort of a follow up to my last entry:

Just read Debbie�s entry about the conversation she and Tara and I had about marriage yesterday, about how all of us pretty much swore that marriage is (sorry to offend) for chumps.

Now I don�t believe this because I�m not a romantic. Or because I�m unconventional. Or because I want to have some free love lifestyle for the rest of my days. Or because I actually think that the idea of two people coming together as partners is a bad thing. Au contraire mon frere. I think it�s a beautiful idea.

Here�s my problem with marriage.

I just don�t believe that love conquers all. I really don�t. And I don�t believe that anyone has any indication of whether a marriage is going to work out or not unless they�ve been with that person for like, 20 years. If you had asked me four years ago whom I thought I would marry, I would have given you an answer without even having to think about it. Why? Because I�d found my soul mate. Someone whom I loved and adored, who understood me. Who was my best friend as well as my lover. Whom I�d gone through enormous shit with and come out of it and grown. Whom I�d been with already for a long long time. So see�I had all this evidence and everything.

But I was wrong. Because people are in a constant state of flux and development. And people grow apart. And you can love someone more than anything in the world. And still it�s just not fucking enough. I didn�t leave my ex because I didn�t love him anymore. Christ, I still love him. I don�t think I will ever stop loving him as much as I did the day we broke up. I left him because I couldn�t respect myself and be with him at the same time, and I realized finally that it wasn�t going to work. It took a long long time to realize that. It wasn�t because he was a terrible person or that I was, but that we were really terrible together. That we became terrible together, when once, for a long time, we were wonderful together. How was I to know that the wonderful was going to turn into terrible? You don�t. You never can know. Because at any given time the wonderful can tiurn into a steaming pile of piss. And you realize you banked on this person being there, being in your life. And they�re gone. And all of the other things you could have done for yourself while you were busy creating a life with that person are now gone, too.

To make a commitment that�s on the fucking lawbooks to someone� to say I will always be there for you is just ludicrous to me.

What I have learned over the past couple years is this: the only person in the entire world that you can count on is yourself. I don�t mean that cynically. And it doesn�t mean that I also don�t believe in true love, the importance of close relationships, the importance of romance, etc. All of those things are very real and important. But I think we are all sovereign human beings. We have control over our lives and our destinies. And when you start making life long plans with someone else, you�re creating expectations. You�re melding two individuals into one. And I know that I�m probably living on a totally different planet from a lot of people, but that�s how I see it.

I know there are happy marriages. But I don�t see that happiness as being gained without enormous sacrifice.

Then again, I guess it�s all about sacrifices and choices anyway. What the fuck do I know? I�m just speaking from my own experience which s all I really can do.