October 09, 2002 | 2:08 PM

Do you know what I dislike most about myself?

I am so obvious. I just can�t bluff. Every feeling I have just rests on my face and in my eyes and telegraphs itself. When I feel wonderful I look wonderful. When I feel like shit I look like shit. A few days ago someone told me I reminded them uncannily of Catherine Zeta Jones. (in terms of our faces, obviously�since she probably is like at least fifty lbs lighter than I am. ) And right now I just look like some horrible nightmare that the cat dragged in. Blotchy skin. Pale damp face. Jowly. Pants hanging off my ass because I lost so much weight. Hair in tangles. Yech.

Right now I am feeling like shit, and I�m not sure why. I guess I�m just really uncomfortable with feelings of a certain type. It would be fine if there wasn�t any such thing as romantic love, you know. But whenever I have to confront certain emotions in myself, it just makes me literally sick. Why is that? Love should not be debilitating, and yet for me it�s is�like some kind of sickness. Which is why I�ve been pretty much hibernating since Monday.

OK�tomorrow I am going to force myself out of this slump. I�ve been doing so damned well. I cleansed. I�ve been active. My skin cleared up. I lost like a million pounds. I�ve been social. I�ve been going to school. I just have to force myself to stop wallowing. It�s only been a couple days. I don�t have to keep wallowing. I am choosing to wallow, and now I have to choose not to wallow. So tomorrow it is back on the stick with the yoga and the positive independent thinking, instead of crying on the couch over fucking the movie Singles, for christ sakes. That�s just pathetic. And that is not who I want to be. In fact, it's not even who I am at all. I must be hormonal or something right now.