September 26, 2002 | 5:03 PM

I wrote something in my last entry about addiction and obsession:

Denial. I am really fascinated by denial. It is a luxury I no longer allow myself. But one I wallowed in for years and years.

And then I read something Josh wrote in his diary, about the same subject:

Or maybe your blankie takes the form of the feeling of control you have over yourself and your life when you decide to stop eating anything besides Slimfast shakes, or if you�re feeling decadent, Heinz's Vegetarian Beans right out of the can. Because food is nasty and food is the enemy and god damn it, I'm in charge now! And look how the pounds just drop off.

And although his writing to an extent reinforced a lot of what I wrote about eating disorders and addictions being one in the same, it also sparked some re-evlauation of my denial statement.

You want honesty, here�s honesty. The absolute brutal truth.

Everything I have written about this cleanse is true. It has been amazing. It has done wonders for me. I do feel 100% better.

But my sick side loves the feeling of control I have over my own body, and that�s the shadow of it�the eating disorder side of it. And I definitely feel like I have something to prove�to myself and to the world.. A weird steely resolve has grown in me over the last year or so�I can�t explain it. Really, it�s been going on for a long time�probably since I got laid off by the Stupid Company. Actually, now that I think about it, probably way before then. Maybe way back to when I was a kid�of really wanting to prove how in control I am. In fact, I think I might even get myself into really out of control situations just to prove how well I can squirm out of them and turn them into controllable ones. Like I get myself into crisis circumstances and somehow escape from them. I think that�s why I loved Kavalier and Clay so much. Because my whole life is chaining myself up and miraculously outmaneuvering �fate�.

It is so hard for me to be really vulnerable with people. I come across in here, and to an extent in real life, as pretty open and vulnerable but I really am constantly struggling with the need to be in contol of myself and of situations all the time. It makes intimacy very very difficult. I can�t explain it because it�s not that I�m cold or aloof or anything. But I truly live in constant fear of intimacy. I am in fact very very shy and make up for it, or try to, by being funny and entertaining and sardonic, or of listening to other people and helping them. And if I can�t do either of those to things, I give up and sit in a corner. I feel like I created myself and became this person I dreamed up the way that Archie Leach became Cary Grant or Frances Gum became Judy Garland.

And I do. I absolutely do drink to feel more comfortable around other people. No doubt.

Anyway, I�m rambling and this most likely makes no sense.

My point was about denial, right? I gotta watch it. Denial is always there whispering pretty stories in your ear. Which is why continual examination and looking at issues from separate points of view is imperative.