August 05, 2002 | 2:11 PM

Tomorrow I pick up my keys to the new place.

On Wednesday him and her are schlepping my breakable items/things I don�t want movers touching over to Cambridge.

On Friday the movers come.

Then I will be in a new home.

Here is something I�ve been thinking about a lot lately, and it�s going to sound super corny, but bare with me.

I think I have a somewhat schizoid fractured screwy personality�that my conscious �of this earth� character is fucked up in some ways� the extremes of temper, the self flagellation and compulsive victimhood. The rationalizations and narcissism and shifting of blame.

And I also think that there is something else in me�a soul(?) or a heart or whatever that is remarkable and phenomenal and sort of shines through the milky fogged and broken glass of my ego. And that when I can get in touch with that part of me, I feel completely at peace and whole and I understand in the most basic sense what the true meaning of love and compassion is and why I am, and we collectively as people, are all here.

Which is basically to learn and to teach and love each other and become self-actualized and true to that core of what it is to be human. That we can just cast aside all the other bullshit�the envy and jealousy and insecurity and pettiness and meanness. That we, all of us, have greatness in us. And that we can peel off and pare away all of the other decorative or defensive crap that separates us from greatness. That we are designed to do so. And that we can and will if we give ourselves half a chance.

And I think that if you�re truly invested in getting to that place, that true human place, the universe offers profound opportunities for transcendence. So really there are no good or bad experiences�that�s a judgement made by ego. There are only learning experiences, by which I�m not referring to the simplistic kind of idiot learning experiences found in Goofus and Gallant or ABC After School specials, but learning experiences that are overwhelming and shift the very design of collective unconsciousness.

And that�s the space I want to get to. I don�t want to just catch glimpses of it. I want to ascend to that level and I want to stay there. I want to stay always in touch with the very best in me and in humankind. And I think the way to do that is to become at once more introspective and also more outwardly focused.

So by introspective I mean instead of running away from pain or fear or just life in general by drinking or watching bad TV or gossiping or getting involved in drama or meaningless sex , I will face it head on and study it and participate in my own experience. And that means reading more poetry and meditating and exercising and just being more still and quiet and listening.

And as far as being more outwardly focused, I mean that I would like to use my powers of insight and empathy to do something positive rather than employing them to manipulate people or make myself feel more secure. I want to be a more selfless person. I want to get outside my own petty concerns. I want to stop endlessly obsessing over ridiculous as ultimately irrelevant details like my weight or crappy things that have happened. I want to be of some help and I want to learn from people. I want to use the intensity and charge and larger than life quality I have to make the world a better place rather allowing my energy to implode into a spiritual black hole.

This is what I am looking for in my new home. I am looking for a different psychic space. I am looking to transcend. I am looking to self-actualize.

That is what I want. I want it more than anything.