July 29, 2002 | 10:36 AM

I could not get to sleep until 2:30AM.

I tossed and turned.

Put the air conditioner on high.

Put it on low.

Turned on the TV.

Turned off the TV.

Drank some tea.

Played on the internet.

Laid down.

Got back up.

I finally drifted off and then woke up at 5:30 AM.

I�m just so wound up.

The more I pack, the lighter I feel.

This apartment has always been too small. Ever since we moved in on September 1rst 2000, items have been shoved in closets and under beds and trapped in broken dresser drawers. There is no space to move or grow, and no boundaries.

I think that�s pretty appropriate metaphorically speaking.

It�s the type of apartment I would have loved at 18, and when I was 23 and moving in, all I wanted was to be was 18 again.

But as they say, you can never really go home again, and I chased the past for too long.

Now I can honestly say I woke up today and for the first time since I found out I was pregnant and subsequently terminated that pregnancy, I am looking forward to what�s ahead of me.

I remember leaving Somerville�how I was so desperate for some kind of change and I thought a new home in a more centrally located area would really and truly make me happy.

Well, it didn�t make me happy, and I don�t know how much I�ll miss it. You can never tell these things in advance, but I don�t really think I will. I mean, there are specific things about it that I�ll miss, but overall I think not.

But I�m glad I lived those two years at **** Harvard Ave, because I really did learn a lot, and I�m a better more self aware person than I was when I moved in.

And I also truly understand that changing some external circumstance won�t provide me with happiness. I know that simply moving into my own apartment in and of itself isn�t going to make everything dandy, but for the first time in my entire life I will have the freedom and the space to make myself happy.

I have a lot to work through still. There�s so much on the back burner for me to face and deal with. But it�s OK.

I�ll have the space. I�ll have the time.

And I have a new DVD player.

Woo hoo!