July 26, 2002 | 8:50 AM

Tonight I start getting ready to move.

Throwing shit in boxes. Taping it all up. Labeling with a sharpie pen.

And two weeks from today, adios muchachos.

Good-bye to all that, as they say.

I want to leave feeling good about everything. I want to leave feeling the way I left senior year in high school� loving everyone, wishing everybody well, sharing that special, we�re all leaving this world and who knows when we�ll see each other again? kind of intimacy you share with people when you�re 18 years old and just about to go away to school�that last fireworks intense caring and kindness and healing and forgiveness and just having a blast and saying all the (good) things you want to say to someone before everyone throws their cap in the air and goes his own separate way forever.

I would like it to be like that, because it is after all, very much the end of an era. And nothing will ever be the same again. And it is to me just as much of a turning point, if not more so than it was to leave Rochester NY and go to THE BIG CITY.

I have moments pregnant with that sense of good will and (dare I say) christian love towards my former paramour. Usually early in the morning when he is asleep and I am going to work, or while hanging out alone by the Reflecting Pool. I wish I could hold on to that feeling.

I don�t want to leave saying,

God I am so fucking glad to be out of that fucking mess. What a nightmare. I'm sad and broken hearted defeated and this just sucks.

I want to leave saying,

That was a really important learning experience for me. It was critical to my growth and understanding. I had some great times and I truly did love this person. I will always love him in some way, and I wish him the very best and am closing this chapter out. I am ready for whatever else happens to me and I am ready to get on with my life.

I hope I can move into that space before I move to my new home. It�s really important to me.