July 20, 2002 | 5:30 PM

Right now I am at Danni's house. She went to go buy some goat meat for dinner.

Yes, I said goat meat.

We went to a steak place for lunch and had some wine and played with tarot cards and looked at our composite astrological charts between each of us and our respective ex's.

I am unabashedly an astrology devotee, and a devotee to all that other mysticism crap. Crowley, Jung, Evangeline Adams. That stuff energizes me even if I am skeptical of it too.

Anyway, my and John's composite chart was totally insane and it was good to read. According to the chart, there is a deep love between us and an explosive karmic connection-- that we have the opportunity to truly learn and grow from our relationship and that at our most eveolved we can reach some higher ideal, but that if the relationship is confined to conventional romantic terms, it becomes dangerous and negative, explosive, hurtful, and limiting for both of us. I would say that's pretty true.

I feel good right now, more objective, less clouded, and less lost. I feel that when I have some space and am able to sit back and explore this, when I have some physical and emotional distance, I will become a lot more enlightened about the whole situation and its relevance within the greater context of whatever spiritual journey I'm on (yes I know this sounds like a new age manifesto, but whatever), and that when I have some signifigant time away from John I will be able to appreciate all of the things I really do love about him, once we aren't confined to a "romantic relationship" anymore(not that we're together at all now, but we live together and so forth so it's hard to break that bond emotionally.)

Anyway, hanging out with Danni always makes me feel so good and and more elevated-- like I can really get a bird's eye view of my life and have more perspective. Talking to her allows me to frame events in a greater context.

There is a lesson in everything, I believe, and there is so much to learn and absorb from experience. I am, I feel, rising a bit from the ashen misery and doubt cast by the abortion and the conflicting emotions it brought on. As terrible as it was, it made me look at a lot of things. I do believe in karma and I think that there is a lot of karma for me to deal with in this situation.

Oh my God, autumn is soon. Then there will be classes at Harvard and free concerts (from my second job) and a new theater season and vollunteer work to do and making a home for myself.

It really is all going to work out fine. I am going to be a much better sronger person for all of this. A more compassionate person. A more objective person. I am learning how to deal with anger and blame and victimhood and all my bad habits.

I love Danni. I can't wait til she comes back with the goat.