July 18, 2002 | 1:08 PM

MAY I INTERRUPT THIS ENTRY TO MAKE A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT.

***PEOPLE�The CONTSTANT READER who asked in my guestbook,

But here's what I don't get-- how is your ex having a crush on some girl on a train different from you having a crush on a co-worker? I'm not trying to bait you, I'm really just curious

IS NOT the same person who wrote the following in my guestbook (which I erased because it upset me, but since so much confusion has been generated I will repost here:)

You need some help. And I don�t mean that in a �oh, I love your diary, get help to heal your magical soul� way. I mean that you are borderline unhinged. Totally blaming the boyfriend for everything is passe. You could have left him, and that�s a fact. You could have said no more. Allowing yourself to be the victim and then playing martyr on diaryland is kind of sick. It takes two- for just about everything. This means that two people are probably at fault. Personal accountability is a good thing. Maybe getting pregnant had something to do with the both of you- not just him. Not to defend whatever bullshit he�s heaped on you, and I�m sure there�s plenty, but I have a sneaking suspicion you dish it out, too. Writing desperate notes about the ex just to secure the support of those same guest-book signers, like you need little soldiers fighting on your side in some strange war. I don�t know. It all just seems a little desperate, a little strange.

That person signed her name, �The Reader� and I know who she is. I�m not going to make any comment on it here because I�ve already done so and I have communicated directly to this person. I'll be honest and tell you that my evil side would get a sick little kick out of telling you all the backstory on this, but I won�t because it would be a lame immature and asinine thing to do, and I'm trying to cut that out. I was really hurt and mad when I found out who wrote it, although perhaps in some karmic way, having deeply hurt someone else who I love, I may have deserved it. And this person was trying to protect and defend someone she cares about, so I understand the motivation.

But anyway, my point is that The Reader and The Constant Reader aren�t the same person and I think that some stuff was said in my guestbook that was a little uncalled for. I know it was well intentioned but no more pissing, ok?

There is nothing wrong with asking a question about something or challenging someone�s point of view, especially if it�s done in a respectful manner. And I wasn�t in any way offended by The Constant Reader. She is actually someone whose diary I�ve read and liked, and who I�ve communicated with before.

From now on I won�t erase anything and I think that people asking reasonable questions or partaking in reasonable criticism should be able to post what they want without the fear of being jumped on by other readers.

Things are always far more complicated than they actually appear.

It�s never black and white. Very seldom are there good guys and bad guys. Most relationships aren�t made up of a villain and a victim.

The above statement is in and of itself an obvious cliche, of course.

This is a diary and my best most personal outlet. It allows me to connect and be heard without the messy frustration of any real interpersonal dynamic (as in I don�t actually know most of you).

I write and say a lot of shit in here that lots of people say in their regular private diaries. I think we�ve all written letters to people that we don�t send�the only difference is I posted mine in a place knowing it would be read by the person it was about.

And I�m not sorry that I posted it. I wanted to just get it out. I would have posted it under the best circumstances in such a way that is wouldn�t have hurt anyone but unfortunately I didn�t. I knew very well who was going to read it and the damage it might do. These were words that had been boiling for a long time and finally just overflowed, and I feel so much better and clearer having just said what I wanted to say, and knowing that it was heard and absorbed. It was really and truly cleansing and I desperately needed to do it. So I�m not sorry about it, because it truly helped me.

But I am sorry that it hurt. And I also want to make something really really clear.

The reason I chose to be in a relationship for six years with John was (and is) because I love him, and for a good reason. Because he has many wonderful qualities. I adore him and I don�t think I will ever stop adoring him. That doesn�t change any of the other stuff at all. It doesn�t invalidate what I wrote or my frustrations. It doesn�t mean I�m not enormously angry at him and that I�m working through that anger. But people can be fucking idiots and fucking wonderful too, and believe me, I am no saint. I am not easy to live with. I can be horribly nasty and manipulative and cutting and selfish. And if John had written a letter to me in his diary like the one I wrote about him, I would have gone absolutely ballistic and had a nervous breakdown. And people probably would have posted supportive guestbook messages saying that I�m wonderful and John�s a bastard.

I have let you all into my lives and into my heart and I think I�m kind of the character in a story people identify with because it was told from my point of view. I mean, I love Holden Caufield, but imagine if The Catcher in the Rye was told from the point of view of that poor girl Sally Hayes who Holden flipped out on? John could very easily write about the entire time we spent together (a saga of his own, if you will) and be the sympathetic character everyone loved. He just didn't choose to do that.

I may have a certain self-awareness and talent for being absolutely naked vulnerable out in the open, but that doesn�t make me any easier to get along with. It doesn't make me a better person. I have done things that I think about now which make the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Terrible things. I have done terrible things to John. They are much different than the terrible things he has done to me, but that doesn�t make them any better.

For instance, once I got drunk and screamed abuse at him for like forty-five minutes while sobbing and yelling about how I was going to cut off my fingers and throw them in a blender. I�m not kidding. That�s pretty fucking crazy, you know?

I honestly and truly think that most people do the very best they can, and we all are human and just trying to make our way in the world. The key to everything I think is forgiveness. But in order to get to the point of forgiveness you have to go through all of the pain and the anger. And that�s kind of where I am right now, which I why I've written what I've written about John and about this relationship.

And so in a way, the person who posted that mean, nasty, and psychotic guestbook message was reminding me of something that I needed to remember.

It was a gift�a lousy one, but a gift none the less.

By the way, how is it working at the George C. Marshall Center? Next time, please email me and let me know who you are if you have something to say, H. I can honestly take anything except cowardice.