"I am a camera with its shutter open..."

July 17, 2002 | 10:07 AM

"You Need Help"

Take the What High School Stereotype Are You? quiz, by Angel.

I love diaryland. I think it�s great that on the same day and referring to the same entry, one person tells me how much they love what I've written and appreciate my honesty.

And someone else tells me that I�m seriously unhinged and crazy, that I use my diary as an excuse to extract sympathy. That I refuse to accept personal responsibility for my own pregnancy, and that I am trying to recruit strangers as foot soldiers in my sick little war on my (ex)boyfriend, whom I obviously hate.

Opposing sentiments can ring true at once. It's interesting to be exposed to many conflicting viewpoints.

I think I am always going to be the kind of person who elicits stong and differing reactions. And I guess that's fine with me because I love writers, artists, musicans, etc. who elicit the same trype of response. I love most that which you have to either love or hate, that which you can't respond to neutrally.

I am crazy. I am desperate. And if you don't like my writing or anything else about me, I don't give a fuck. By which I mean that your opinion is no more or less valid than the opinion of someone who loves my diary. It's all true and it's all valid-- the positive and the negative.

I guess what I am saying is at this point I take all of the praise and all of the criticism with a grain of salt. The only person I'm responsible to and for is myself. And I am representing myself as honestly and vulnerably as I can, craziness and all. Writing exactly how I feel at any given moment in this diary and knowing that it's being heard (if not necessarily liked or appreciated) is what allows me to function sanely in the real world. So quite frankly if you're offended, upset, pissed, or otherwise put off by me, I don't care. I have outlined in grave detail exactly what my faults are, and no one can tell me anything bad about myself that I don't already know. I am a deeply flawed person. I am fully aware that I am insecure, narcisisistic, neurotic, attention seeking, and a whole host of other adjectives, including kind, honest, courageous, willfull, and intelligent. And in case anyone doesn't realize this, I'll spell it out for you-- I am in a lot of pain. Lately things have been very difficult. I still love my ex-boyfriend which makes it even more difficult. And going through an abortion is fucking horrible. I am hurting. This is my diary. I write about how I feel as a way of dealing with this hurt.

I did delete that mean guestbook message, which I guess says I don't take criticism well. But hey, it's my fucking guestbook and I can delete whatever I want from it. Whatever. I won't delete anything in the future. Bring on the condemnations, people.

On to more positive topics.

These are some things I love:

Blue willow plates

Autumn

Handing out candy on Halloween

red hair

slow dancing

Old record players

Row boats

Camel lights

karaoke

hotel rooms