July 13, 2002 | 11:45 PM

Oh jeeze.

I didn't mean to worry anyone.

Listen.

I am a very very emotional person. I feel things deeply and extremely.

I do think about suicide in my worst moments. I would be lying if I said I didn't.

But the reason I've gotten this far in my life is that besides having a really crazy out of control deeply neurotic side, there is an objective element to my psyche that reigns supreme and has a bird's eye view of my life; I think that's why I was able to write THE SAGA so succinctly and anayltically.

I am horribly self obsessed in a morbid and negative manner. But I also care for my family and friends deeply. And I have suffered through great loss and would never ever put anyone I love through the tumult and guilt of living through a loved one's suicide. At my worst and most desperate moments that very idea keeps me from doing anything horrible. I also, despite being chronically miserable and making poor decisions, have a megomanically strong survival instinct.

I really and truly appreciate the concern. I understand why someone might glean from certain passages in this diary that I am at wits end and ready to end it all. But I'm not planning on it-- especially over some asinine guy problems.

I really and truly am sorry to have worried anyone.

My apologies.