June 28, 2002 | 9:37 AM

I can imagine waking up with the sun pouring in next to someone I love. Making plans over breakfast and arguing over names.

Telling our friends and families. Being alternately scared and elated. Day by day feeling something grow and bloom inside, knowing it was planted in love and springs from love..

Learning and sacrificing and beginning a family.

These are all things we talked about once upon a time.

I am left with the sick, rotten jaded sense that I have wasted years and years of my life.

How many nails need to be hammered into the coffin of this relationship? I GET IT, OKAY? I was a big fucking delusional fool and now I am paying.

I cannot fucking WAIT to get out of here. I will never ever act out this part again even if it means being alone for the rest of my life.

Things are going to change. My days of being a reflexively trusting doe eyed moron are over.