May 16, 2002 | 2:28 PM

I know this was the right decision. I know it was. I keep telling myself that it was, and it is and it�s for the best.

So why am I such a fucking mess?

Why did I start crying when a dumb Smokey Robinson song came on at lunch? A simpering silly song I don�t even like?

Why did I waste ten minutes mulling over the time we went on vacation to Providence RI (because we were too broke to afford anything else.) We stayed at The Holiday Inn and spent our days strolling down Thayer Street shopping and taking pictures, our evenings in bed drinking wine and fooling around.

Why do I feel so sick and disoriented and like I want to take it all back? Why do I miss him so much when I�ve been so unhappy for so long? Why am I fixated on how lonely and failed I feel, and on a point sometime in the future when we won�t be living together and I�ll probably never even see him? Why am I now so aware of how much I love him when all I could think about before was how wrong it was?

What the fuck is wrong with me, and can it be cured by a pill? Because if so, I don�t care what the side effects are. Give it to me. Anything to make this stop hurting so fucking bad.