May 01, 2002 | 12:11 PM

8O) ## Harvard Ave

How do you get what you want from Corporate America?

One word.

Blackmail.

Not the blatant form�the I�ll-trash-this-office-if-you-don�t-give-me-a-million-dollars form of blackmail. You have to be subtle. You have make inferences. The proof must be implied that someone�s life will be much harder if your demands aren�t capitulated to.

And you don�t ask for too much. You just take enough so that you leave the hell hole with your pride in tact.

I sit across from BigPeter at our meeting with my hands folded in my lap. I look him straight in the eye and calmly tell him that I was appalled at LonnieMcMormon�s comment to John about how women always do stupid things like running out of meetings when they are upset.

Apparently this is the first BigPeter has heard of their little conversation, as he is completley caught off guard. I can�t remember seeing BigPeter flustered at any other time.

It is something I enjoy immensely.

My tone is ladylike and cold as ice.

I had always been under the impression that The Stupid Company was an equal opportunity employer. Perhaps LonnieMcMormon was attempting to be funny...

Perhaps, but of course his attempt fell flat. At the Stupid Company, we don�t tolerate...

Sexism? You don�t tolerate sexism.

No, we don�t.

There is silence for a moment.

Mike�s only been here, what? Six weeks? John�s been here a year. I�ve been here longer than both of them and my evaluations have all been perfect.

As I said, the decision was purely fiscal. It was a corporate decision. It had nothing to do with your ability or...

The fact that I�m a woman, of course.

Of course not.

I lean in towards BigPeter and I speak softly and calmly.

If LonnieMcMormon had something to communicate about my performance, he really ought to have told me. Instead he went to my boyfriend. I found that to be highly insulting. After all, EvilRene just sat down with me last week to tell me what an excellent job I was doing. She didn�t tell John about my performance. She told me. LonnieMcMormon�s comments to John also bring up a number of human resources issues like for instance, privacy rights. Not to mention the sexism bit. Even if I had wanted to stay here and take the um, demotion, under these circumstances...

BigPeter smiles at me gamely.

What can I do to make this better?

I lean back and cross my legs.

This is a lay off. Not a quit. I want to be eligible for unemployment insurance should I need it. And I would appreciate a full month�s severance pay. And ten hours worth of overtime added to this week�s paycheck because I worked from my own home over that weekend.

Done.

I keep going.

And I want The Stupid Company to lift its �no references policy.� I want to be able to get detailed references from Collin, Seth, and you if need be.

Absolutely no problem at all.

And I want a Christmas bonus.

BigPeter rolls his eyes and looks at me as if to say, Come on!.

I cock my head exasperatedly.

I have worked numerous weekends all year. I have done more than my share and I was told that fabulous things were going to happen to me as a result of my hard work. Now I don�t even have a job. I am one month shy of my bonus, and I deserve it just as much as anyone else who works here does.

BitPeter sighs.

Ok. That�s fair. I�ll see what I can do.

A huge grin blooms across my face. For a moment I lose my composure. I can�t believe how easy this is. My tone shifts from business-bargaining-table to little-kid-at-Christmas.

Ooh really?

BigPeter pretends not to notice. He stands up and offers his hand.

Well Anna, you will be missed. Now, if something else comes up here at The Stupid Company�some other position, can I call you.

I think to myself, not unless you want to hear numerous creative epithets screamed in your ear. But I say,

Sure. If you have something worthy of my attention I�ll be happy to look at it.

BigPeter escorts me out of his office.

I fill out some paperwork with Luella, the office manager, and I hug Collin and Seth and even shake EvilRene�s hand before leaving the office.

Outside the air is crisp and bitter and the sky is full of clouds, but it might as well be a sunny seventy-five degrees. I remember how my grandpa used to call me a little spitfire when I was a kid.

Fuckin� A!, I think to myself. I am a god damned little spitfire!

As I walk back to the T station it occurs to me that I really should have pushed for Health Insurance.

Oh well. You can�t have everything.

Stay Tuned for Part the Sixty-Third...

The tax man's taken all my dough,

And left me in my stately home,

Lazing on a sunny afternoon.

And I can't sail my yacht,

He's taken everything I've got,

All I've got's this sunny afternoon.

Save me, save me, save me from this squeeze.

I got a big fat mama trying to break me.

And I love to live so pleasantly,

Live this life of luxury,

Lazing on a sunny afternoon.

In the summertime

My girlfriend's run off with my car,

And gone back to her ma and pa,

Telling tales of drunkenness and cruelty.

Now I'm sitting here,

Sipping at my ice cold beer,

Lazing on a sunny afternoon.

Help me, help me, help me sail away,

Well give me two good reasons why I oughta stay.

'Cause I love to live so pleasantly,

Live this life of luxury,

Lazing on a sunny afternoon.

In the summertime

Read the Saga from the

VERY BEGINNING

time capsule from heaven - Sunday, Aug. 21, 2011
31 - Saturday, Mar. 15, 2008
Dead/Alive - Monday, Mar. 10, 2008
Do not trustTIAA-CREF-- they are fucking their customers - Friday, Jul. 28, 2006
Shilling - Tuesday, Jul. 11, 2006

Before After