April 02, 2002 | 3:37 PM

Some days I am filled with loneliness.

Jenn was right when she said,

You�re just afraid that you�ll make the wrong decision, so you don�t make any decisions at all. But you know what? Everybody makes the wrong decision sometimes. And actually there are no wrong decisions, just the choices you make and the choices you don�t.

By not making choices, I still make choices. Or I let other people make choices for me. So that I don�t have to take the responsibility for those choices.

Sure, I�ve grown pretty assertive over the past year. I�ve almost become a different person in certain ways. I look back on the part of saga I�m writing now and wonder how I could have been so spineless. How I could�ve missed THE BIG PICTURE.

But I am still a complete fucking moron in terms of emotions.

Jenn says it�s impossible to be in love with two people at once because you have to make a decision about where you place your attention.

Do I agree with this?

I don�t know. Because I don�t know anything. I psychoanalyze and over intellectualize everything I feel because I am terrified of my feelings and this is my way of distancing myself from them.

When am I going to stop hiding from you? When are you going to stop hiding from me? Why does everything have to be such a game? Why do we dart in and out of each other�s lives and in and out of each other�s hearts? I want intimacy and connection and I want to be honest. But the only honest thing I have to say is that I am so confused and terrified and I just don�t know how I feel about anything. Nothing feels constant. Everything shifts like a dream with no plot line.

And I keep looking for you to come through and shine and I can�t wait around for the whole fucking rest of my life.

I don�t want to be fifty years old, look back on my life and say,

I lived a nice safe existence and I took the easy way out and I kept my mouth shut and I gave up all of this passion and intimacy and creativity and craziness to be safe and boring and dull.

If you�re going to feel that way, then as far as I�m concerned, you might as well drop dead right now because the rest of life without all of those things is just filler.

And I don�t know why either of you don�t feel the same way.

And that kills me.

Which is probably why I�ve been drinking two bottles of wine a day for the past week.

Tonight, unlike last Tuesday evening, I will be home watching The Gilmore Girls, damn�t. You can do what you like, but you can�t take away my favorite TV show watching experience..

At least I have that.

I wrote a SAGA update earlier today. It won�t be long before I am done, and I run smack dab into myself. That�s a scary, scary thought.

Better make it three bottles tonight.