February 26, 2002 | 2:46 PM

(Read the SAGA entry I wrote earlier today if you haven�t already�I mean, that is if you�re following the SAGA. If you aren�t then it doesn�t really matter.)

Non-SAGA entry.

This is a transcript of an email I sent John last night:

Ok-- I've tried to type this email like 3 times and each time it has come off as either whiny, accusatory, or sarcastic. So what I am going to say is this (even though I've said it a bunch of times and I don't know whether it will make a difference) It would really mean a lot to me if when you are going to be really late you would call me or email me so that I don't worry about you. If you feel this is too much to ask, then we need to re-assess our relationship and whether we are looking for the same things, because to me it's a basic tenent of respect to tell someone you love if you aren't coming home. I have always done that for you, and I bet you anything that if the tables were turned and I didn't bother to call you and stayed out late drinking with a bunch of guys every night you would be pretty fucking pissed.

I love you and I wonder sometimes whether you love me. Because I wouldn't treat our relationship in the lackadaisical manner that you do, and if you feel this is too much to ask maybe you should date a college student who doesn't really care that much.

Anna

Man was I pissed off. I was so pissed I couldn�t even concentrate on Law and Order, and it was a really good episode.

Of course, he waltzes in at 12:30 AM, and the first thing I say is,

I�m upset with you.

(See, Mike I unfortunately resemble your ex- sort�of- girl-friend Darcy in some unsightly way, although being self analytical to the extreme, I at least realize it.)

Why?

Pout.

Because you didn�t call.

He walks over to the bed, puts his arm around me.

I did call. I called seven times. The line was busy every time. C. (from work) and I went out for a beer.

Oh yeah. Now I remember. Jenn was on the phone for over an hour and then I was online.

Whoops. Boy did I feel like an asshole.

And I realize I always always assume the worst when it comes to John. Not that I assume he�s cheating on me, because I don�t assume that at all. But I assume he doesn�t care. I assume that he�s going to treat our relationship (as I so ineloquently stated above) in a lackadaisical manner. I assume that he won�t call, or that he won�t follow through on a promise. Because that�s how things were in the past. And I know, or at least I think I know that he is growing, and though he doesn�t talk about it and only alludes to it vaguely in his diary, he is thinking about the future and other grownup kinds of things. And maybe I�m just blowing smoke but I imagine that he�s sort of moving towards some realization. I don�t know.

His actions have changed remarkably in the last couple of months�ever since the whole �ultimatum� situation. Our relationship has shifted and grown stronger. Still�in this new phase there hasn�t been anything �big� that he�s had to follow through on, and that is why I am so nervous. It�s gut instinct for me to not trust him, to not believe in him, because I�m terrified to do it again and get screwed.

But the thing is, what the fuck is the point of being in a relationship with someone if you aren�t going to trust and believe in that person with all of your heart? I�ve always believed in the �Love With All Your Heart� way of approaching relationships, because relating over a wall is a big fat waste of time, and now that�s what I have found myself doing. I have built this wall of expecting the very worst to steel myself from disappointment, and I do have a lot of evidence to support this kind of behavior on my part because the track record in the past as far as John is concerned has been shall we say inconsistent. But I want so badly to trust and believe and feel the way I did that one year when everything was so beautiful and right and easy. And it isn�t that I don�t love him just as much as I did then, it�s that I don�t trust him the way I did then. Sleepygirl uses a great quote in her profile when she lists Kurt Vonnegut as a favorite writer. The quote is this:

"Love is a rotten substitute for respect."

And that is so true.

And then there�s that line from the movie, Trust:

Respect, admiration, and trust equals love.

And I wonder whether I am leaving something out of this equation. I am looking for some kind of leap of faith to believe in. I don�t know.

Again, the girl who over analyzes everything in the world.

Maybe I should just stop thinking about everything so god damned much.

So as a postscript., the lovely boy made me a steak with Irish cheese on it and the electricity went out and then we made love for a long time and then we went to sleep.

And that�s that.

Which tarot card are you?

time capsule from heaven - Sunday, Aug. 21, 2011
31 - Saturday, Mar. 15, 2008
Dead/Alive - Monday, Mar. 10, 2008
Do not trustTIAA-CREF-- they are fucking their customers - Friday, Jul. 28, 2006
Shilling - Tuesday, Jul. 11, 2006

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