February 14, 2002 | 9:43 AM

It�s that day of the year again. The one you all hate. The one everybody gets real upset about. The day inspiring many angry diary rants.

So I�ll take a break from The SAGA and throw in my two cents, because I know you�re breathlessly anticipating my take on the whole debacle..

Here goes.

As a kid I totally hated Valentines Day.

First I hated it because oddly enough every Valentines Day from the time I was in kindergarten until 5th grade, something Bad would happen.

One year I got the stomach flu and threw up the franks and beans I ate for lunch right in the middle of class.

Another year I lost a five-dollar bill and my Mom got really mad at me.

Another year I found out that Merry (yeah�that�s how she spelled her name�lame right?) who was supposed to be one of my best friends was talking behind my back, which is completely devastating in elementary school if you�re naive and don�t realize what assholes people are.

Then in middle school I hated Valentines Day for different reasons.

I hated it because I was fat and nobody liked me. Nobody gave me Valentines and I was a pariah to boys.

In 7th grade I had a crush on this kid named Ryan who was my science partner (we were assigned to each other.) I told my friend Becca and she told the whole school. (Doesn�t it seem like people named Becca always tell the whole school?)

In the middle of science class Ryan blurted out really really loudly,

Anna, I DON�T LIKE YOU.

And everyone turned around and laughed.

That was my 7th grade Valentines Day.

Yeah.

And then in high school I still hated Valentines Day. .

I hated it because when I was 14 I started dying my hair black and wearing fishnet stockings with Chuck Taylor sneakers and ripped Ramones t shirts. And I started listening to all sorts of rad new music (well new to me anyway)�everything ranging from The Cure to The Chills to The Pixies and so on. And I started reading Rimbaud and appreciating art and smoking cigarettes. And I got into politics and feminism and drug culture. So I hated Valentines Day. Hated it passionately because it was syrupy and commercialized and had nothing whatsoever to do with love.

And then I hated it in college. Oh boy did I hate it.

I hated it because my freshman year I lost my virginity on the Day of St. Valentines to a film student named Harvey. He wore a hat that said �The Piano� on it (You know-- the Jane Campion film?) and he was a Dr. Who fanatic. He would talk for hours about Dr. Who�how sad Dr. Who must have been to leave all his friends and family behind. And gee Dr. Who must have been so lonely in outer space. And what would it be like to married to someone like Dr. Who. Etc. etc.

The day before Valentines Day I had hooked up with My Dream Boy, Dawson, who I was completely obsessed with. But on Valentines Day he wound up being part of this orgy I wasn�t invited to, and I was bummed.

So I went up to Harvey�s room and I fucked him.

It wasn�t very good. I remember thinking, so this is sex? What a let down!

Afterwards, Harvey got all misty eyed and started telling me what an amazing spiritual experience it was for him to sleep with me and that he was falling in love blah blah blah.

He sent flowers to my room.

I spent the rest of the year avoiding him.

I know. I know. I was soooooo heartless.

As a postscript, I hooked up with this guy three days later and we�ve been together for six years (minus the breakups an what not.)

Now I am 24 years old. I am (supposedly) a grown up. What do I think of Valentines Day?

Is it shameless? Unecessary? A tool wielded by large corporations to bleed cash from the pockets of consumers by playing on cheap sentiment?

Well duh. Of course it is. So is Christmas.

Is it to be taken seriously? Brooded over? Shaken a fist at?

No. i don�t think so.

Valentines Day is silly. It is fluffy. It is a joke. It is a chance to be goofy. There isn�t enough goofiness in the world. Pink stuffed bears and roses and chocolate candy hearts are FUN. There are so many things in this world to be angry about. If you want to spill some venom may I suggest focusing on Enron�s despicable scam on its employees, racism, sexism, homophobia.

But not Valentines Day. Valentines Day does not deserve your wrath.

And I know that being alone can seem sucky. But guess what�we�re all of us all alone in this world. Whether we�re in a relationship or not. Meeting that special person doesn�t mean happily ever after. Being with somebody can often be a lot harder than being alone.

I honestly don�t think Valentines Day should be seen as a holiday for couples. It should be seen as a holiday for the goofy kid in all of us-- a chance to just be silly and tell each other�friends, boyfriends, secret crushes, whatever�that we like each other.

So.

That is my Valentines Day rant.

If you want to read something really well written about Valentine�s Day, click Here

In other news, this girl and I guest starred in each other�s lives last night. We drank cocktails for a good six hours at various central square establishments, and she is just as much fun in person as she is on the page�a lovely hilarious messy mass of contradictions. We are going to the BJTM show next week together.

Diaryland friends rule!

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