January 29, 2002 | 10:01 AM

See, now I�ve gotten myself all worked up. (Refer to this entry) And I�m thinking about him. Which is highly dangerous. Because it always ends in frustration. It�s not like I want to �be with him�, because we would kill each other, and there�s so many things about him that make me mad. How I feel about him makes me mad, and it�s usually just better to not be around him. Which is why we keep making dates to hang out and I keep breaking them. Because I will not let him make me want this. I will not succumb to futile and irrelevant longings. I will not.

God he irritates me. Like a few months ago when we were at the Kendal Cafe and he pulled me into a corner and told me with all seriousness that he was thinking of enlisting in the army. And I knew why he was telling me that�like I was just going to jump into his arms or something and beg him not to go. He is so needy and demanding of attention. He is irrational. He is an alcoholic. He is wasting his brilliance. It makes me sad.

I can see if I had chosen him just what it would be like. Dishes flying through the air. Me begging him to not drink all day. Him screaming at me that I don�t pay enough attention to him. It would be life in hell.

There is no resolution. And eventually we always wind up at the same place. And it�s so hard to say no. One of us is always saying no.

Feelings are far more complicated than I�d thought. You don�t just fall in love with someone and everything�s grand. Relationships are indefinable and shouldn�t be categorized.

�He is my boyfriend�

�She is my friend�

�We are lovers�

Emotions are too quixotic and irrational to be content to sit in the labeled cages we lock them in. And we limit ourselves by doing so.

I wish sometimes that I just didn�t give a flying fuck about anyone else. That I didn�t feel tied down. That I wasn�t committed to John, confused by Angus, protective of my mother. That I could just say, �See all you suckers later� and take off Paris. I�m so tired of seeing the potential for genius in people who can barely even tie their own damned shoes.

{Don't worry. I will return to the apartment saga today or tomorrow. I promise. I just needed to get that off my chest]