January 09, 2002 | 9:38 PM

Once I'm all better I'm going to get back on a schedule. I cannot wait to be at the gym every other day again. I couldn't go when I was home for the holidays and then I got sick, so I haven't been in a month, and it has definitely reeked havoc on my psychological well being.

Working out balances me and gives me piece of mind. I can't describe the rollercoaster of emotions I ride every day. I careen from one decision or one feeling to the next and it is so exhausting. The only things that make me feel "together" are exercise and performing. And I haven't performed in so long. The exercise is the only real emotional outlet (besides this diary) that I have. Oh, and listening to music too (I've been on a huge Guided by Voices kick over the past week or so) but that's a passive pursuit, and not cathartic in the same way.

It's funny-- I look back over this diary and I seem so messy and fucked up, but if you knew me in real life, I come across like I have all my shit figured out.

That's probably everyone's story at Diaryland, huh?

My fever went back up and my throat is so god damned sore. The doctor's office didn't call me today regarding my strep test. I kind of hope that I do have strep because at least then I can take something that I know will make this better. If I don't have strep, who the fuck knows when this sore throat will go away?