January 06, 2002 | 5:39 PM

So that night we went to the police station. My family and I arrived before Terri and her family.

We were greeted by two cops. Officer Jenson and Officer Kenisky. Officer Jenson was young and handsome. Officer Kenisky was short fat and bald. It became quickly apparent that they had both watched too many episodes of Hill Street Blues. But then again, so had I.

Everyone fell into their roles seemlessly.

So... you're one of the little perverts who thinks it's funny to ruin a buisinessmen's reputation and terrorize your classmate, huh?

My penchant for playing pretend kicked in, and I figured that the best way to deal with this whole situation was to not be myself: an insecure suburbanite dork attempting to impress her trashy popular friend by making prank calls. I would instead be a street smart wise ass kid-- a kid who'd been around the block. A kid who'd dealt with the police a few times in the past-- maybe for graffiti or shoplifting. That kind of kid would know how to handle this situation in a far grander fashion than I.

Hey-- aren't you gonna answer me when I say something to you?

I shrugged my shoulders

What's the point?

Everybody in the room-- Mom, Dad, Officer ShortAndFat and Officer Handsome stared at me. Nobody spoke. Finally Officer Kenisky approached me and crouched down so that he and I were eye level.

Hey. Do you have any idea how much trouble you're in?

At this point Terri and her mom walked in the room.

They were both carrying bags from Sibley's department store.

They had gone shopping on the way over.

There were greetings all around and everyone sat down at what appeared to be a card table with a tape recorder in the middle of it. I figured they were planning on recording the conversation we were about to have.

I was wrong.

Officer Kenisky looked at Terri and I for a moment. Terri was staring at her lap, but I met Kenisky's gaze and held it.

So. I was thinking that in order for us all to be on the same page, it might be a good idea for your parents to hear the despicable perversions you girls recorded on Fred BlahBlah's voice mail.

He reached over and patted the tape recorder.

I got it all right here. What do you think, girls? Do you think that would be a good idea?

Terri didn't say anything.

I was wishing that I had a couple pieces of Bubble gum so that I could blow a big bubble and pop it for affect. I didn't smoke and I thought snapping bubble gum was the next most insolent act of defiance. Alas I was fresh out.

I shrugged my shoulders.

Yeah sure I guess.

Officer Jenson who had been pretty quiet up to that point chimed in.

Alright that's enough. I won't take any shit from you Little Girl, you got me? I could have you carted off to juvey right now if I wanted. I just have to make a call. So shut the fuck up. Do we understand each other.

I nodded.

Officer Kenisky pressed play.

My parents never looked at me the same way again.

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Stay tuned for the compelling third act...