December 20, 2001 | 3:29 PM

I am officially on vacation. I don't have to go back to work until January 2nd. Thank God for the Harvard Union of Clerical and Technical Workers for getting us this break. Even with all this time off, I still get 3 more weeks of vacation. If you don't work for a university, I highly recommend doing so.

I got up today around 8:30 and read Gloria Steinem for awhile. Then I watched "Funny Face" starring Fred Astaire, Audrey Hepburn, and that lady who wrote the Eloise books (I used to love those as a kid).

I wonder what Gloria Steinem would have to say about this movie. In the film, Audrey Hepburn plays a brilliant young woman who works in a Grenwich Village bookstore in the 50's and is obsessed with philosophy. She is discovered by Fred Astaire (a fashion photographer) and the Eloise lady (the editor of a fashion magazine). She is offered a modelling job, which she initally refuses, explaining that she thinks fashion magazines are silly and reinforce beauty over character. See, Audrey is crazy enough to think that it's what's inside a person that counts.

However, she changes her mind and accepts the assignment when Fred Astaire tells her that they will be shooting in Paris where her favorite philosopher/writer lives. Audrey Hepburn then recognizes the job as a means to an end-- she'll do the silly modeling assignment in order to pursue what she really cares about.

So far so good.

When Audrey Hepburn arrives in Paris and begins working, she finds that she actually kind of enjoys modeling, and she also finds herself falling in love with Fred Astaire (he happens to be twice her age, but whatever.) They admit to each other their feelings, and everything seems to be progressing nicely.

On the night of Audrey's big press conference, she finds out that the philosopher is speaking at a cafe. She decides to go see him and leaves a message for Fred Astaire to pick her up there.

Audrey and the philosopher have a nice little chat about philosophy which Fred Astaire barges in on. He becomes very jealous and tells Audrey she is never to see the philosopher again. Audrey protests and tells Fred that she considers the philosopher her mentor, has always wanted to be taught by him, and that she only wants to be his friend-- besides, the philosopher is only interested in her intellect. To this, Fred Astaire replies,

"he is about as interested in your intellect as I am."

I'm going to pause for a second in the story to answer your question, dear reader. Yes-- he actually did say that to her, the woman he supposedly loves. Not only did he say it to her, but the filmmaker's point of view is that he should be saying it to her-- that he is doing her a favor by saying it, instead of oh... I don't know... being an abusive, possesive, mysoginist pig.

Audrey however, being feisty and misguided tells Fred that she never wants to see him again, and that she is giving up modeling. She goes to see the philosopher at his house, where a big bohemian type party is going on.

Fred Astaire and the editor of the fashion mag (the Eloise lady) crash the party pretending to be folk singers (!) and a mocking musical number ensues having to do with just how lame and immature it is to be a beatnick. Oh Fred Astaire, your satirical tap dancing outwits Ambose Bierce! I'm sure that after seeing "Funny Face" Allen Ginsburg was shamed into considering renouncing his homosexuality and purchasing matching flatware.

Fred and the Eloise lady make their way upstairs to where Audrey and the philospher are hanging out talking. Fred busts into the room and he beats up the philosopher.

AND... we are supposed to think Fred Astaire courageous, brave, and romantic for doing that, instead of thinking that he is an... I don't know... abusive, possesive, mysoginist pig.

The philosopher kicks Fred and the Eloise lady out of the house (as he rightly should since they crashed his party, insulted him, and beat him up).

But then... the philosopher reveals his true intenions towards Audrey. See, it turns out he isn't the least bit interested in her intellect. Audrey is a smart, passionate, non-comformist woman with a lot of personality, but he's only interested in her as a piece of ass. Which brings us to the central moral of the film-- Women and men aren't equals, and any woman who thinks so is going to wind up in a heap of trouble.

Audrey realizes that Fred was right all along. See, men aren't interested in women's intellects. If a woman has a strong mind, she is only a danger to herself, and will wind up in bad situations like the one Audrey is in right now.

After Audrey is nearly raped by the philosopher and escapes only after bashing him over the head with one of his statues(something which is of course played for laughs), she realizes that what she really needs is a strong daddy figure like Fred Astaire, someone who will posess her and protect her like a little girl. And to have something to do, she can keep modeling because that will let her play on her real strength-- her beauty.

See, it all works out in the end, doesn't it?

Excuse while I go join NOW