December 18, 2001 | 10:08 AM

Right now I am thinking about babies. How soft and sweet and beautiful they are. How loud and demanding and curious they are. How much I want one. How much I never ever want one.

I think about it a lot lately. I am 24 years old. I could get married and have a baby tomorrow if I wanted to. People have done it making far less money than I make.

And I know that I would be a great Mom. I had a huge hand in raising my sisters and brother, and I love kids. I also give them a lot of freedom to be themselves. I can't imagine pulling guilt trips or telling my kids they had to be a certain way or that they weren't "good enough."

I really believe that children are uniquely themselves-- not blank canvasses for their parents to paint on-- not clay to be molded into whatever shape the parent sees fit. It's a parent's job to give their children whatever those children need to become themseleves-- to treat their children with respect and allow them to feel their own feelings, follow their own interestes, and create their own boundaries.

So many parents try to turn their kids into someone specific-- usually it's the kind of person the parent always wanted to be but wasn't, and the kid feels they have to measure up to an ideal as opposed to just discovering who they are. A false self is created and the true self goes underground. That's why so many people suffer anxiety attacks and low self esteem and spend tons of money on therapy. Most children are not given permission to be ok in their own skin.

I also can't fucking stand it when I see a parent yelling at a kid in public or even worse hitting a kid. That kind of thing throws me into a blind rage. Why do people terrorize their own fucking children? How can people grow up to be so fucking unevolved.

So anyway... the thought of having children makes me feel so happy and blessed, but I think that if I had them now or anytime in the forseeable future, I would hate myself for not fulfilling my own dreams, and even though I would love my children, I can't imagine not resenting them under those circumstances. Once you have a child, it's like that child has to be the most important thing in your entire life. So if you haven't secured your life before having the kid (i.e.-- gotten an education, chosen a career, chosen a life path), it's really hard to do it later.

Once you have children, things get put on hold-- possibly forever, and that child's welfare always has to come first. I'm not saying it's not possible to do things like get a college education or build a career after having a children. I know someone who put herself through college while her daughter was an infant (she had no support from the father, who was a total asshole and had been physically abusive). This woman now has two masters degrees and is the director of a not-for-profit company and is doing very well. But it is really really hard to do what this woman did. It takes an amazing amount of drive, determination, and will. And I don't know whether I would have that.

I want to have my masters degree before I have any kids. I want to know what it is I want out of life before I have to take care of someone else's life. To me, the worst legacy you can pass on to your children is this:

"I worked and slaved and gave up all of my dreams so that you could have a better life than I had."

What kind of shit it that? What kind of guilt is that to put on a little kid? Plus, the ultimate message you send your child is that love equals sacrficing your dreams, and that when you grow up, your dreams are traded for someone else's welfare. How are children supposed to thrive and face adulkthood if their rpimary example of adulthood is regret, unhappiness, sacrifice, and fear?

I am not in any way saying that parents should sacrifice their children's welfare (be it emotional, physical, or otherwise) in order to pursue their own dreams. For instance, I think it's terrible when parents work 80 hours a week as an executive or something and let their children be raised by nannies-- that's emotional abandonment. But I think that much of being a good parent is instilling in your child the idea that you can love and take care of others without giving up on yourself.

Well, I've gone off on a rant.

The point of all this is that I love kids so much and I fantasize about having them and I want them, but I'm holding off on it for now.