2001-12-04 | 8:53 a.m.

Sheesh... why does everything need to be such a hassle, and why am I such a paranoid individual?

It's only December, and yet I am freaking out about having to move, which isn't going to happen until September-- 10 months from now. I think it has something to do with all of the insane apartment situations I have had in the past, and how out of control I felt as a resuelt. I mean, living with someone who's a diagnosed borderline psychotic, who beats his girlfriend, and whom you have to call the police on is no fun at all. And then there were the times I had to rely on the kindness of friends to put me up betwixt and between apartments. The thing is, that was so long ago and I was barely out of my teens then. I was making 8 bucks an hour and had been drop kicked out of college. Now I'm a professional and my life is totally different, but I'm always terrified that I'll be back in the same situation-- totally screwed and dependent on somebody else to save me, and the thought of that makes me sick to my stomach.

Adding to my woes is that I am strongly considering not living with my boyfriend again after this lease is up. Unless some kind of miracle happens and he starts feeling that there are more important things in life than drinking, hanging out with college students, and making sure he can sleep late every day. Also, even though he makes as much money as I do, he is always always broke, and I don't see how he could possibly save enough money to move, whereas I've already begun doing that. I told my boyfriend that he had to get another job in order for me to live with him again, which to me would be the most concrete way of expressing his desire to be an adult and stop being terrified of failure. He calls this the ultimataum, which maybe it is-- but that's the level of committment I would need to see from him in order to stay with him, and of course, as much as he bitches and bitches about that stupid place where he works and he consistently gets screwed over, he refuses to even consider looking at any other options. I think that he thinks I am going to cave in and stay with him regardless of what he does, or he just doesn't really care what happens to our relationship, or he is in total denial about everything, and can only focus his thoughts 5 mintues into the future.

I have a horrible feeling that if I left he would find a substitute in about five minutes because he just can't stand being alone.

I am really going to miss being with my boyfriend. I know I've taken up a lot of room bitching about him, but that's kind of what a diary is for-- to get off of your chest all the things you are frustrated about, but I realy really really do love him and I mean for god sakes, we have been together for 6 years-- that's a long time. He's like my family, and in a few months when the shit hits the fan, I am going to have to leave him because I just don't see this going anywhere. Am I going to marry a phone room supervisor who gets drunk everyday and hangs out with 19 year old girls? Whether or not he's the most brilliant person in the world doesn't change the fact that he's just biding his time. He spends his life sitting in a waiting room, and justifies this nonaction by saying that at least he gets to read some really great magazines. Does that make sense? It's like the fringe benefitrs of living-- the stupid shit like having cable tv and internet access, are far more important than what's really important: taking risks, finding out what it is you love to do and doing it, nurturing the relationships you have, looking honestly at yourself and your life and examining who you are and why you are here. I have never met anyone who has such powers or perception and so much personal insight, but absolutely refuses to apply it to himself, and instead wastes it on stupid things like how to make so-and-so at the stupid company he works at like him more. It's funny because all of the mini-girlfriends he hangs out with have lots of drive (as do I)-- E**** is this supersmart science junky and S***** is a really serious music student, so he's attracted to people who really know what they want, but he just kinda hangs out and stares into space. I mean, I don't know exactly what I want, but I'm furthering my education and I'm taking a stab at trying different things till I find what makes me happy, and I am excited about all of the possibilities-- I really like what I do. It's so god damned frustrating to be with someone who just doesn't give a shit, or thinks that his own life isn't worth the effort.

So... sometime in the Spring, I have to make a big decision that is going to have a huge effect on the rest of my life. Do I stay or do I go, and right now I am leaning towards go, which makes me sad and scared.

Then we get to the pragmatic part-- housing. It's too bad that my boyfriend and I will never be able to have a nice home of our own as opposed to living with roommates. I really would have loved for us to have our own one bedroom apartment, and be the partnership thatwe could be, but this as I've explained looks highly unlikely.

So... what do I do? Our current roommate, who happens to be one of my close friends, wants to branch out in terms of her housing situation. I think she and I would probably do very well living together again, but I think that if she decided to live with me it would cause a lot of hoopla as she is good friends with my boyfriend as well. So for the sake of friendship, and because we have already lived together for a few years and maybe it is time for new experiences, she and I aren't going to live together again. She already told me she wouldn't consider living with my boyfriend again because there have been a few instances when he's had problems coming up with rent on time, and besides that she is just as saddened as I am about ho hell bent he is on wasting his potential

All of my other friends are all set with their living situations, so it's not like I can move in to a friend's apartment.

I have absolutely no desire to live with people I don't know, as it has been a major disaster in the past and I seem to have a knack for choosing insane roommates.

Which brings me to the only other option-- living alone.

I wouldn't really mind living alone, and actually would probably get a lot out of it. The only problem is that the cheapest studio is the Boston area is like $750/month, and even ones that cheap are very hard to find. Don't get me wrong, I am quite satisfied with the amount of money I make, but paying more than $750 a month in rent, plus utilities is pretty fucking steep. I am so pissed at how high the rents have gotten. If I were in this situation 2 years ago, $600-700 would be the average studio rent; $750/month would be the price of a really nice studio, and if you were paying $900 for a studio, it was probably huge and located in the Back Bay. Not anymore. Now every fucking studio apartment in Allston is at least $900/month. Isn't that crazy? A studio is a fucking room with a toilet and a stove for Christsakes!!!

Yeah... so I am just dreading this, and I know I'm crazy to be thinking about something that's 10 months away, but you know-- I've had a lot of craziness in my life, and it's become second nature to me to think in catastrophe mode.