I really love my boyfriend but I don't trust that he's going to pull through and be there for me ever. It's always just false promises and excuses excuses excuses. Plus, he has a bunch of other miniature girlfriends that he pals around with and it is SO OBVIOUS to me and everyone else that he wants to fuck all of them. He looks like he's just this sweet guy who likes having friends that are girls, but really he's just as much of an asshole as anybody else and the way he acts around them-- constantly massaging their shoulders, hanging on every word they say, it's so fucking obvious-- not just to me but to everyone we know. I mean, he used to actively cheat on me when we were first dating and now he's just found a more politically correct and subtle way of indulging his wandering eye-- becoming the "Sensitive Guy" that all the chicks can hang out with and can cry on his shoulder while he fantasizes about putting his hands up their shirts. I don't usually think about it, but on the actual rare occasions that I hang out with him and one of the mini-girlfriends, it is so glaringly obvious. My roommate was there too the other night, and she kept giving me these glances across the table when he would go over to E*** and put his arm around her or put his hand through her hair, and I was like, "Dude, I know..." I get so angry at myself that I am with somebody who treats me like shit in such a subversive way, who is always always broke and who is working at that stupid ass company(another long story), and who only behaves lovingly towards me when there is some threat that I might leave him. What is wrong with me and why do I still love this person so much? Why do I keep trying work it out? (I know that I have relationship issues stemming from my childhood, but beyond that there is the major emotional/intellectual/sexual connection that he and I have which has nothing to do with my poor self esteem and abandonment issues) He is so fucking petty and small about some things (who takes out the garbage, who does how many dishes etc.) without ever acknowlegding the major issues, like all of the lies and flirtation and false promises he's made, and how much of the brunt of responsibility for everything is placed on me (like for example, who paid for most of the down payment on our current apartment, while he lucked out and didn't have one of his checks cashed by our then current landlord, and thus had so much extra money in the bank, but used all of it on himself while I was hardly even able to afford groceries?) Don't get me wrong, I know I can be a total bitch towards him and I can be very mean. I know thatI am not perfect or easy to live wth. I know that I can be highly neurtoic and inconsistent. but that doesn't change how inconsiderate and downright uncaring he can be. My feelings are so hurt and I am so fucking disappointed in how he just refuses to grow up. I could forgive everything if he would just take the bull by the horns, make decisions about his own life, decide what he wants to do, apply himself, and act like a goddamn adult, instead of bouncing checks all over the place and acting like he's fucking 17 years old.

I promise in my next entry, and hopefully subsequent ones, I won't spend so much time and effort on him. There's lots more to talk about, and bitching about being sad is a waste of time.