Friday, Dec. 05, 2003 | 8:11 PM

I just called Dining In to order Indian Food and at first mistakenly gave my phone number as my old number from the last time I lived in Allston. The Dining In guy asked me if I was my former roommate. Memories die hard. I wish they washed away like chalk drawings in a rainstorm, but sadly they don�t. Symbols are burned into my psyche like cattle brandings, forever claiming ownership of me no matter how hard I attempt to escape them.

I am sick. I am sick enough that my boss actually sent me home from work yesterday and told me not to come back until I am better. Winter is a time of reflection for me, always has been. I�ve been lying in bed listening to Aimee Mann, smoking pot every now and then, staring at the ceiling. I�ve lost weight�haven�t been eating really. Depression isn�t quite the word. I feel a little lost.

I haven�t had a drink since I met Matt. The was almost two weeks ago. Matt is in the studio now recording his third album. Angus�s opening night for Six Degrees of Separation is tonight. Lynn is over at her boyfriend�s. Ivy is gallivanting around Spain. She called right before she left and gave Lynn the message that she loves me. I tried calling her back but she�d already gone. I love her too.

Everyone is off doing momentous things and I am here in my apartment attempting to make sense of everything. I wish I didn�t think so god damned much. My mind is always whirring at a billion miles per hour and I need something to focus on. I finished my acting class scene so I don�t have that to focus on. I�m sick and not working so I can�t focus on my job, and I don�t care enough to worry about what�s going on when I�m not in the office. I�m wondering what the next year is going to hold for me. This year was insanity and overall I�d say it was a good year�a high drama, high trauma, highly sexed, vindicating year. I never feel like I�ve done enough, though. I�m impatient. I want to know what the next step is. I�m lazy, but relaxing doesn�t come easily to me. I�m pretty tightly wound. I want to lose weight. Fall madly in love. Become a respected member of the acting community. And I want it all now. I want to surprised more often. I want my head to be cracked open and new ideas poured inside like cake batter. Cook at ninety-eight degrees Fahrenheit and cool. A lovely philosophical souffl� for all to enjoy. Right now I�m just burnt coal. Stuff that in your stocking.

I think I�ll get high and watch something amusing.