October 28, 2002 | 11:57 AM

Oh dear God. In my last entry about the amazing karaoke night, I forgot to mention that Debbie won a sword�an actual Celtic sword. She won it in a raffle held at the bar. Is that not the coolest thing ever? I can�t believe I forgot to mention that as it was such a big part of the evening. Self consumed twerp that I am. God that was the best fucking night I have had in a billion years. It�s great when your weekend can start off so awful and then turn out so fabulous. I just want to say again how much I love Josh and Debbie. They are truly two of the most fun people I have ever known and I feel really (cue cheesy music) blessed to have them in my life.

On to other things.

So I�ve been thinking a lot about self esteem�my own in particular. I am basically a walking target. Women like me�women who are fat or otherwise unattractive, who desperately crave romantic attention, who are passed over and just not wanted will put up with so much shit from men�I�m sure it�s the other way around too, that men who are similarly afflicted with a poor self image will take a hell of a lot of abuse from women. In fact I know I�ve been pretty abusive to such men in the past.

In the past I excused and denied all kinds of behavior from men I was romantically involved with that if I were a size six and gorgeous, if I was constantly told how pretty and wanted I was, I never would have taken. That�s not an easy thing to admit�It certainly casts me in a negative light, and I have to deal with what kind of person that means I am.

I have been so narcissistic that just to hear the words, �I love you and think you are beautiful�, I turned a blind eye to a lot of harm thrown my way. And dished out my own fair share of harm as well. Knowing that makes me feel pretty sick inside.

The fact of the matter is, I am probably not ever going to be involved in a relationship with someone where that person just adores me and thinks I am lovely and feels blessed to be with me. I�m not pretty. I�m not thin. And I am always the consolation prize for men. I�m not trying to pull out the violins here and play victim because I know that I have been a huge jerk as well. I�m not an angel and have been just as complicit in the state of affairs as these men were. I know I have been just as hurtful and abusive and I have a lot to think about.

However, I think the difference is that I really and truly adored the men I have been involved with�thought they were beautiful, felt blessed and lucky to be with them, really wanted them and loved them and thought they were just perfect as they were. And I know that those affections were never returned by any of them and that probably for the rest of my life, that�s the way things will be. I am not loveable and I am not adorable, and more importantly I am not thin. I may get thin at some point and that might change things, but I am simply not the type of girl that men desire. I know how shallow that sounds, and trust me, I really wish things were different, but they aren�t. Most men do not like fat girls. And most women don�t like fat men. Fat people are automatically removed from the circle of desirability. And anything else about you�your pretty face, your nice voice, your intelligence and sense of humor�will not make up for the fact that you are fat. It�s like an automatic disqualifier.

In fact, I can pretty much be sure that anyone who shows any interest in me probably feels horrible about himself and the only reason he�s even paying me any attention is that he feels he�s not cool enough to date the �pretty girl�. And that I will spend the length of our relationship watching as he chases other women and �puts up with me� and wishes he were with someone cuter.

I know that sounds paranoid and horrible, but in my experience, it�s the truth.

So I think that the only way for me to have any semblance of a normal happy life is to just never have any romantic involvement with anyone ever again. Because being with someone who you think is the most wonderful beautiful person in the world and knowing that he�s just dating you out of habit or boredom and �cause like you know�he has to have sex with somebody And it might as well be you, is just the biggest fucking downer on the planet. And I have decided to be celibate as a nun for the rest of my life because I would rather not put myself through that kind of despair ever again.