October 12, 2002 | 10:33 PM

God I love living alone.

I love that I come home and any dishes that are in the sink are mine.

I love that I can play the new Aimee Mann album over and over again at top volume without offending anyone else in the house.

I love that I can sit on my couch naked, legs ungainly, unshaved and splayed, slurping Chianti out of the bottle, and that no one is going to come in and say,

Hey�I have guests. Get yer shit together and entertain, yo�.

But you know what? There are some big minuses to living alone. And I just realized them tonight.

John and Jenn and I went to The Good Life for drinks this evening. And I was absolutely expecting that afterwards they�d come over to my place for some more drinkin� and DVD watchin�.

Of course though�No dice.

Jenn has work stuff she has to finish and John has �laundry, etc.�.

Obviously I�m not mad at them. I mean after all, we all have random crap that needs to get done. Who am I to dictate when and how someone should accomplish his or her chores?

But like, I feel sad and isolated and alone right now. On a Saturday night for crimminy sakes. It�s no fun watchin� The Ruttles all by your lonesome when you�re trashed and wanna chill with people you care about.

Yesterday night <John and I slept next to each other. And it was so warm and cozy and familiar and at the same time wicked HOT.

Even though nothing happened sexually, it was just so nice to have my arm over his body and my leg between his thighs. Just to hear him breathing. To feel my flesh pressed against his flesh.

Jesus H. Christ. What more can you want than that?

And now, after many Chocolate Martines and Sidecars and Grateful Deads, I�m home alone with nobody to cuddle up to. At 10:14 PM on a Saturday evening. And that, my friends, just fucking sucks.

Why can�t it be both ways? Why can't you be an independent dame and still feel satiated with the luv of yer life on a Saturday night?

If someone could anser me that, I'd be the happiest doll in New England.

Why can�t you have a beautiful intelligent red haired boy to snuggle up with on a Saturday night�a boy you can recount The State and Simpsons episodes with-- A boy who can make you cum all over the place but still can brew you a nice hot cup of chamomile tea and go on his merry way when you�re working on your novel and not bother you?

WHY?
WHY?
WHY?
MUST EVERYTHING BE SO MESSY AND COMPLICATED?

Why must I adore and lust over my ex-boyfriend while knowing all along that he�s bad news in terms of being in a romantic relationship with?

Why must I crave "alone time" and also covet desperately the company of other people?

I�m telling you, dude.

You think it�s hard to be close to me?

Imagine being me for a second � never being satisfied with anything the way it is. Jesus it�s fucking all out energy consuming.

Poor John. No wonder why he ran away.

At least Josh and Debbie are coming over for dinner and drinks tomorrow night.