September 05, 2002 | 2:11 PM

I love penises.

My favorite thing about them is watching them grow. Soft, they look so cute and almost helpless. And then at a moment�s notice they turn from silly putty into a force of nature.

I love how smooth penises are. And I love the dichotomy of how incredibly sensitive they are but also how� brutal. And I love looking at one knowing it�s going to be inside of me. And I love that a penis is almost like a bridge between two souls. I love that one person can be inside of another. That�s so magical.

I just read that passage over and it sounds vaguely ridiculous. Talking frankly and um, soulfully about sex always makes me feel ambiguously guilty and embarrassed, like I just farted in an elevator or something.

Lots of people have two diaries�one where they talk about sex and one where they talk about everything else. Sex is compartmentalized and divorced from the rest of life. That�s not necessarily bad. (I love naughty diaries, by the way�as long as they are well written.) It�s just interesting.

I really want to come to terms with how I feel about sex. And I want to experience true intimacy with another person without getting all enmeshed in a relationship. But I don�t know how to go about doing that. Can you be alone and still be really present and involved with someone sexually in a meaningful way? I know you can. I know people who do it but I just don�t know how. Although I think I�ve made a lot of progress in that arena over the past year or so. I still don�t know how to be in a relationship romantically with someone without having that relationship occupy too much psychic space and crowding out other everything else in my heart and head. Being in a relationship makes me feel like less of a human being. Even when I was completely and utterly thrilled with my last relationship and so much in love, the relationship like, was my whole life.. Which is scary and um, kind of gross in hindsight. I absolutely cannot see myself ever committing to anyone ever again. The mere thought of it�and this has everything to do with me and not anyone else�sets the butterflies a flappin� in my (rather large) stomach.

Remember that guy at my second job whom I had a little crush on? Turns out he�s cheated on his past two girlfriends. It�s revelations like this that give me the heebie jeebies.

OK. This started off being about penises and it�s ended up being about dicks.

�Think I�ll go look at dirty pictures right now.

(Oh I�m at home by the way�not work. The server crashed. Technically I�m supposed to be working but fuck it. I don�t feel like it.)

Tara and Debbie are coming to dinner tomorrow and Jenn�s coming over tonight. I love entertaining.