July 01, 2002 | 9:27 AM

I don�t know if this is going to come off the way I want it to, which is not mean spirited or accusatory. This is merely an observation as opposed to a judgement. In any case I know why, or at least I think I know why I am doing it one way and he is doing it another way. I know that he doesn�t want to hurt me and is trying to avoid upsetting me.

My observation is this:

It�s interesting to me that at some point in several months when all of this is over and we have separate lives, we each might look back at this portion of our respective online diaries. Mine will be all about loss and broken hearts and terminating a pregnancy and examining the cyclic nature of my life.

His will be about going to the beach and partying and carrying furniture up the stairs and what music he�s listening to and who he�s hanging out with and various witty commentary on his daily activities and random thoughts.

Again, I know why. I know he�s really upset about this. He just doesn�t know what the fuck to do or to say or how to feel. And when he doesn�t know those things increasingly he clams up, makes jokes and avoids dealing. It�s ok. People have different ways of coping and one isn�t necessarily better than the other. I mean Jesus, he certainly has a hell of a lot more fun than I do. Sometimes I�m jealous of his ability to just have a good time regardless of what�s happening, and his ability to let everything roll off his back and move on. If he has a few beers, good conversation, pretty girls, good music, and decent books around, he�s happy. He didn�t used to be like that, but people change. And maybe he�s happier this way than he was when I knew him in college. I don�t know. It�s not for me to say.

But I think this really points to why it is we didn�t and won�t work as a couple. Our worldviews have become profoundly different and we are absolutely incapable I think, of giving each other what the other person needs. Like right now I don�t feel like I can talk to him at all about how much this is hurting me and that it�s basically turned my heart into a huge gaping infected wound and quite frankly I don�t know whether I will ever recover. He wants to be and is trying to be kind and helpful, but he is totally unable to be there for me in the way that I desperately need him to be.

And I can�t be the fun loving accepting hipster girlfriend he needs�the one whose just happy dating a nice intelligent guy who has good taste and doesn�t get angry at him for taking the easy road. The fun loving good times indie pop girl who knows all the cool kids. I depressive and I�m a nag. I�m exacting and I set high standards for myself and everyone else. Wasted potential is my biggest pet peeve�that and complacency. I ride a high horse, ladies and gentleman. And I think I know best. Which is insulting

How much fun is that?

We are absolutely mismatched. We were just kids when we met. And moving in together was probably one of the stupidest ideas ever. So was agreeing to the job situation. We were doomed from the very beginning. Hindsight is a bitch, huh?

I wish I could take something to make this ache go away. The only thing that helps is performing rote tasks (I�m totally serious) which is why I am now working sixty hours a week by choice. Hey�it certainly fucking beats sitting at home crying, right?