June 05, 2002 | 3:50 PM

It's like heroin.

Once I get a taste of the rock 'n' roll nothing else matters. I just want it. I want another show. I want one right now. Tonight. I want to to be on tour 365 days a year. What am I doing sitting behind a desk? I wanna be shouting it out on stage, swigging from a long necked bottle, open mouth bloody guts catharsis and rage and love all pouring out of me and into me. John's voice and my voice intertwining like the lovers we should have been and maybe still are in some bizarro universe. His guitar crackling and punching a hole through every phrase.

I can't kick it. I wanna be content but I can't be content 'cause I just want the rock 'n' roll and it's all I've ever really wanted. All the other stuff means nothing. It's just drama and silliness and the rock 'n' roll is real.

What happens between us on stage is more real than real life with all of its phone calls and emails and procedures and paranoia.