May 14, 2002 | 9:46 AM

Several weeks ago Angus told me he was in love with me and he tried desperately to get me to go to bed with him. I was still with John at the time and I have a huge ethical problem with cheating so I refused. I also really hadn�t seen it coming and had thought all of the shit between Angus and I was in the past. When he attempted to seduce me, I became bewildered and the episode sent me into a major tailspin emotionally.

The incident got me thinking a lot about what it is I need and want out of a relationship. And it definitely had an impact on my decision re John. I realized that my ambivalence was a sign that something was very wrong.

A few days ago Angus emailed me and asked me if I wanted to hang out. I told him I was really really sad about ending my relationship with John and could definitely use a friend. We made plans to hang out last night�ostensibly an Anna/Angus talkfest. I was really looking forward to it. I felt in dire need of some tenderness and caring and understanding. I also was hoping to maybe figure out what the hell has been going on between he and I for the past four years. I�m trying to get my emotional life in order and the weirdness that is my relationship with Angus has gone on too long.

When I got over to Angus�s apartment, he and three friends were hanging out and getting sloshed. The apartment was filthy and it smelled like pee and stale beer. Angus�s cat was in heat and was mewing and twitching and rubbing herself against the furniture.

I was pretty taken aback at the scene that greeted me. Angus was in a surly sarcastic mood, and the boys were involved in a typical drunken jackass conversation. The reason I was there was not to schmooze with a bunch of guys, but to chill out alone with Angus, which I had made pretty clear in my email.

I should have just turned around and gone home. But part of me is glad I stayed, because I think I needed to face the truth that Angus is a selfish bastard and a total waste of my time as a friend or as anything else.

I sat down and participated in the drunken banter to the best of my ability. Finally, Angus�s friends left and it was just he and I alone.

Now, I have seen Angus through several messy breakups. He has called me at five o� clock in the morning sobbing and I�ve had him down to my apartment, made him soup, and listened to him cry for hours while I held his hand and told him everything would be ok.

It�s not that I think he owed me a favor, or was expecting him to pay me in kind, but just that friends are supposed to be there for each other and I really really needed a friend. I should have realized that if he was really my friend or really cared about me, he never would have tried to seduce me a few weeks ago while I was still in a six year relationship, and having done so, he wouldn�t have acted like it was no big deal.

Instead of being able to talk and get things out in the open, I got an earful from him about his new screenplay and how depressed he is and how nobody loves him. The subject came around to the two of us and I told him that his erratic behavior confused me and threw me off balance, that I couldn�t understand why the fuck he would tell me he was in love with me and slam me against a wall only to act like it never happened. His response to this question was,

Anna, I love you but I can�t be your boyfriend.

Um, what? Who the fuck said anything about a boyfriend? I�ve had a boyfriend for six years and I�m still in love with him and I just ended the relationship last week.

I told Angus,

Listen, I don�t want you to be my boyfriend. Whatever it is that�s been going on between us has been going on for four years now. And I just want to understand what it is and what context to place it in. And now that I�m not in a relationship, I feel I can do that more openly.

And Angus said,

I can�t be involved with you sexually. It�s just too complicated for me.

I stared at him incredulously. I mean, this guy fucking stuck his tongue down my throat just a couple weeks ago and begged me to go home with him. And he professed his undying love and said that he couldn�t get me out of his mind. And I was so confused and John had been so distant and inattentive to me that I had to tare myself away from Angus on that night. How could he sit across from me with this cold stare telling me he doesn�t want to be intimate with me after everything he�s done? And the absurd thing was he was behaving as though I had started this whole fucking thing, rather than merely attempting to figure out what was going on and how to respond to his aggressive advances.

And then it dawned on me. He�s been chasing me for four years simply because I was unattainable, and Angus being the depressive narcissistic alcoholic that he is, was merely using me as a means of torturing himself. All of a sudden I felt sick to my stomach. I started crying and Angus gave me a hug, misinterpreting the reason I was upset.

We sat and talked for a little longer and the conversation revolved solely around him and he didn�t even ask me how I was feeling. He didn�t ask me about the breakup or about anything in my life. He didn�t care. He doesn�t care about me and he probably never has.

Finally, I told him I had to get going. Angus was really drunk and he gave me a hug, which I accepted. Halfway through the hug, his hand drifted down to my breast.. It was so bizarre and out of nowhere and inappropriate considering what had just happened and I felt so fucking insulted He offered to walk me home and I told him to forget it and then I left and stumbled back to my apartment in the rain.

God, right now I hate men. I hate them so fucking much. I hate myself for being so stupid about them. I know that I am making a generalization but all of the men in my life have used me at their own convenience. And I have allowed it to happen and perhaps even asked for it by falling for the kinds of men I fall for. I am so angry at myself for not being a stronger more insightful person. Angus and John are very different people, but they share one important trait. Neither of them has ever been able to make up his mind regarding how he feels about me. They have both been incapable of committing to a course of action within the context of our relationships. I have made myself too available to both of them, have been too understanding, and have believed that I didn�t deserve to be loved or cherished�that this half assed non-committal behavior was the best I was going to get.

I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than ever deal with this kind of heartache again. If anyone ever wants to be with me, that person is going to have to pursue me and convince me that he loves me unconditionally.

That will probably never ever happen. So fuck it.