May 08, 2002 | 12:05 AM

This evening I went to Suki�s apartment for dinner and she made fajitas. She lives alone and she�s happy.

I think I would like to live alone, too. To come home every day to silence, knowing everything is where you�ve left it. That all the messages on the answering machine are for you, and all the unopened letters are yours.

No crazy roommates. No sad boyfriend situation.

No drama.

In Boston, that isn�t too doable.

And I�m thinking, really seriously thinking, why the hell am I here?

Sure, I have a decent job, but it�s not all that important to me. I�m taking classes here but I could do that somewhere else as well. I have several close friends in the area and tons of acquaintances.

And I have an ex-boyfriend that I�ve spent six years making (and breaking) plans with. And as much as I love him, I hate myself for what I�ve allowed to happen over the past six years. Anyone who reads my apartment saga knows that my life has been insane since I�ve moved here. And so much of my decision making process has been based on this one person.

And I�ve decided now to do things differently. Because otherwise it would have meant looking at myself in the mirror and seeing a complete and total doormat for the rest of my life.

Why am I here?

I have a vision of riding away and never talking to anyone I met here ever again�like the past six years have just been some weird side track that has nothing to do with my life. I�m very much an all or nothing person, and when I move on, I really move on. It�s much easier for me to just say good-bye, not exchange phone numbers or tell anyone where I�m going, and get the hell outta dodge.

I could go to Chicago where the rent is cheaper and the jobs are pretty good, and there are decent indie rock and theater scenes. And I could get a job at one of the many universities there without any difficulty, considering where I work now.

Or I could go to New York City and do the same thing (with higher rent.)

Or, I could go home for a couple months, pay off all my debt, get in very good shape, quit drinking and smoking all together, spend time with my grandparents and my mom and my ten year old sister, save up a bunch of money, and go to Europe or something equally grand.

I think that staying in this city for any length of time would be a waste. Because honestly, the only reason I was here was because of a boy.

A fucking boy.

I�ve definitely learned my lesson about that one.

Next time around, someone�s going to have to follow me.

Actually, fuck having a next time at all.