April 11, 2002 | 12:45 PM

The sacred and the profane all in one evening.

Last night I had Angus over for dinner. He, Jenn, and I ate a delicious meal of Chicken French, garlic mashed potatoes, and bread. Of course we topped things off with copious amounts of wine and beer.

The mood was lively. The conversation unparalleled. We discussed the situation in the mideast and organized religion and the state of the music industry and George Romero movies and all sorts of other things. I showed him some of my writing and he gave me excellent and thoughtful criticism.

I love talking to Angus so much. He is brilliant and not afraid of saying something controversial. He backs up his points with well thought out arguments. The intellectual bond connecting us is electric�the air between Angus and I percolates when we can get into a good discussion. It�s like Rosalind Russel and Cary Grant in His Girl Friday reimagined as debate team dorks. There is so much chemistry on so many levels. We zone in on each other and it�s amazing.

As the night wore on, the conversation turned to sex and stayed there for an hour�discussed of course in a highly intellectualized and esoteric manner by Jenn, Angus, and I.

We are, after all, geeks.

I was having the most fabulous time. All three of us were all a little drunk and playful and things were on such a great level.

Then Jenn went to bed.

And it all nosedove pretty fast.

John came home.

I hate being around John and Angus at the same time. It has to be the most uncomfortable situation in the world. I had thought Angus would been gone before John arrived, but that of course wasn�t the case. Angus got shitfaced and melancholy and needed a shoulder to cry on and I didn�t feel comfortable sending him off in that condition. On a dime he became slurry and weavy. I decided to baby-sit him for the rest of the evening.

Angus became Drunk Angus�the self pitying, needy, graspy, attention grabbing version. The �I need a Mommy� version. It�s funny how quickly he can slip into that.

He was crying and feeling sorry for himself about different things in his life. The verbal repartee went out the window�goodbye Cary Grant and Rosalind Russel. Hello overwrought Valley of the Dolls type shenanigans.

John was obviously really pissed and jealous when he walked in and Angus was there. He was not at all happy.

And at first I felt guilty about it. Like I was doing something really wrong and unforgivable, because I do feel guilty about my feelings for Angus and I am trying to reconcile them. It�s very very complicated and the whole thing sucks.

But then I was like, wait a second, John. You spend all of your time with these little fake girlfriends whom you pursue, and to whom you give pictures of you kissing them on Valentines day (yeah�that�s a new one I just found out today. Cute, huh?), and for whom you write romantic songs, and with whom you pretty much do everything but actually cheat on me, and I have my ex-lover over to dinner (which I never ever do) and then you�re going to be pissed and jealous? Come on, dude.

I didn�t actually say that aloud.

When John walked in and saw Angus, his face fell and his eyes darted at me accusingly. Angus who was smashed, was oblivious to all this. He ran up to John and (this is surreal) gave him a hug.

After a weird and uncomfortable few minutes John went off into the bedroom and Angus and I hung out in the kitchen. Angus wanted lots of hugs, which I gave without reservation, but it was such a Mommy thing. There was nothing sexual from my end at all. I�m not going to lie and say that I don�t have very intense feelings for Angus. But when he�s in that mode I am not attracted to him in the least. Do I have a desire to take care of him? Yes�because I am a flaming codependent in that way and I can�t stand seeing people I care about really upset. But did I want to kiss him? Have sex with him? Not then, dude. No way. Being weak and slurry is a huge turn off chemistry wise.

So it was ironic that John accused me this morning of making out with Angus. He said he could hear kissing sounds from the other room(!!!!) and he was really passive aggressive about it. I kept denying it. And he was like, �sure whatever.� which is so infuriating when you�re telling the truth.

Thing is�what John was accusing me of has happened in the past, but not in the way he thinks. I wouldn�t make out with my ex-lover in the apartment I�m sharing with my current lover while said current lover is in the next room. That�s just really tacky.

Then John bitches all the dirty dishes in the sink and how messy the kitchen is. He doesn�t outright say he�s mad�he turns it into a self deprecating, passive aggressive, masochist joke�� Oh looks like I�ll be the one to have to clean everything all over again!!! SIGH!�

And what�s so lame is that John has people over ALL THE TIME!!! The last dinner party he had I did half the dishes. The one before that, Jenn cleaned up everything. And neither of us cared. But the second I have people over, I�m this horrible person.

I don�t know dude, I feel like total shiite today. And I�m reading this over and it sounds so fucked up. I sound just like the crazy, weak little girl I don�t want to be. Relationships suck. Love should not hurt this bad.

I need to follow J Krishnamurti�s advice

John has a right to be hurt and upset. It�s understandable. I have a right to be hurt and upset about all the shit he�s pulled. Neither of us will really discuss what it is that we want. I�m tired of feeling guilty and horrible. I�m tired of all the bullshit. Maybe neither of us are getting what we need out of this relationship. The whole thing just depresses the fuck out of me, and makes me so so sad. You can love someone so much and it still doesn�t help anything.

John wrote his own treatise on the evening. You can read it HERE is you want.

I promise I will get back to the SAGA tomorrow. But this is sort of saga related anyway�it�s like we�re jumping back and forth in time and the same stupid shit is still going on.