April 05, 2002 | 3:02 PM

The following message was left in my guestbook after the entry I wrote previously today.

BananaAnna, I think you've given the crowd quite a treat by baring all and telling your story, but it seems like the last few entries have been particularly wrenching for you to write. You always say how difficult it is to reconstruct the recent past and everything. I don't think you should have to feel obliged to put *everything* on stage for all to see. Maybe you just aren't ready yet, and you might want to keep recent events in a more private journal. As one of your fans, I would understand. Your story has been great so far, but if it's difficult for you, maybe a forum such as this isn't the proper place. I am sorry if I badgered you for more entries in the past. I know there are diehards out there, but I think most of us will understand if you need to take a break. Plus, we've lost touch with everything that you do on a day to day level. Either way, all the best

This message was left by someone whose webpage amuses me to no end, and whom I like very much.

I wanted to address a couple of things that she said.

Yes, it is getting hard to write certain aspects of my story. It has also been hard in the past. I do think that it�s very important for me to write it, however. And I feel like the time has come to do it. I don�t feel at all that I am forcing myself to do something I�m not ready to do. And I don�t feel obliged to put everything on stage for other people. I feel this forum is the best one in which to write the saga because

1) The fact that I am addicted to the internet and to communicating on diaryland gets me to write the saga everyday; it�s the carrot dangling from the stick thing. And ultimately (weirdly enough) diaryland facilitates discipline for me.

2) Writing for other people forces me to organize my thoughts in a linear plot driven manner as opposed to just blathering on stream of consciously�not that doing so is a bad thing necessarily�I do keep a private journal where I just write everything as it occurs to me. But I am trying to learn about myself and my motivations and also to tell what I think is a good story. Diaryland allows me to do that as well.

I definitely appreciate the concern, and sometimes I do feel like taking a break from writing the saga�like this weekend I�m pretty sure I won�t write any saga entries, but I feel supercharged and ready to deal with everything. Like I said, it�s just frightening.

Which is a good thing.

The things I�ve been most scared of doing in my life have always been the things that worked out most positively for me. I am a strong believer in confronting your own fears, questioning your motivations, shocking yourself out of complacency, and just generally doing things that upset the pscyhological, emotional and spiritual applecarts.

Usually, if you are afraid of doing something�afraid of being honest with someone, afraid to leave the job you hate, afraid to move to a new city, but you can�t get the idea of doing it out of your mind, then that�s a sign that you should do that very thing, or at least examine why you are so afraid of doing it.

People who allow fear to run their lives are wasting their precious time on this planet. People who put their need to feel safe and comfortable above all else waste away into nothingness and become boring parodies of humanity.

I know that in certain aspects of my life I have been very brave. In others though I have played it safe. This next part of the saga is really about that dichotomy. And I feel that during the period of time I�ll be discussing, I actually did come to some epiphanies. But there are still some question marks that need resolving. And the time has come to do so.

As far as having not updated enough on my current life, I was actually really touched Frances that you wrote that. I like writing about what�s going on now, but I�ve been really caught up in writing about the past. I�ll try to update more frequently about what�s going on now�The up to the minute news.

Anyway, thanks Frances for what you wrote. It was very sweet and appreciated.