March 02, 2002 | 10:09 AM

So� speaking of apartment stories, last night the landlord came over to my apartment and stayed forever. I had to pretend I was just a guest. I had to pretend I don�t live here because I�m not on the lease. The reason I am not on the lease is that our apartment is a two-bedroom apartment and ostensibly is only for two people. We have three people. If the landlord knew we had three people, he would jack up the rent by $400, and that is not something anyone living here can afford. Usually I don�t even think about it; tons of young people in Boston are doing exactly what we do� it�s the only way to afford living here. But having to pretend I am a guest is my own home makes me enormously uncomfortable, and doing so reminded me of what it was like to not have a home. So last night I had homeless nightmares that I haven�t had in a long, long time.

Ugh.

So� notes on THE SAGA: I�m now more than half way through writing it. There are things coming up that I am afraid to write about. Things I haven�t thought about in a long time. Things I would prefer to not think about ever again, but must in order to exorcise them� slice open the festering wound the memory has become so I may heal and move on completely with my life. Writing these stories is my alchemy-- converting helplessness to empowerment. It�s good for me to write these things. Since I�ve been writing the SAGA I�ve become less depressed. Less needy. More fearless. More open. More assertive. This is good. Especially compared to where I was a year ago, which was writing nightly suicide notes and plotting ways to kill myself without hurting anyone else�s feelings.

Deep breath, Anna. Deep deep breath.

So, in other news, hung out with Outer-Jessie last night. She came over to my house and we drank red wine and listened to jazz. She has pizazz, Outer-Jessie does, and a great great brain. I love it when you meet new people and you are just getting to know them. S�wonderful. Truth be told, I haven�t met many new friends in a long time. There are lots of reasons for that which I�ll go into later in the SAGA (sorry to keep referring to that; I know it sounds pretentious, but please keep in mind it is tongue in cheek.) I missed caring about other people. I�m still terrified of personal intimacy, but I am trying.

Outer-Jessie and John�s friend C. (from work) as he calls her, and I went to see Waking Life. I really like C. and I�m glad that John is friends with her. She is down to earth and amazingly nice. She is actually a scientist, but for personal reasons I guess just wants a slumming it kind of job right now, which I guess everyone goes through. C. has crinkles at her eyes that are adorable. She has such a warm face. Good people, C. is.

I had seen Waking Life before, but I could see a million times. It delights me to no end that there are still people like Richard Linklater who are making innovative, thought-provoking, vulnerable art. I don�t know what else to say about the movie because watching it is such a visceral experience. It�s playing at The Coolidge again tonight at midnight, and if you haven�t seen it and you live in the Boston area, I order you to make it your business to be there.

You�ll thank me later.

Expect a SAGA update tomorrow or Monday.